Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Thursday, March 26, 2015
6 Months Later
WOW, how is it possible that 6 more months have gone by? There have been some major changes in my life, all for the better.
Let's start with the fact that on October 30th, Samuel officially passed his 4th block of nursing school, and was FINISHED with classes. HALLELUJAH!!! He had a few weeks of meetings and a few more clinicals, but by December he was just working full-time at the prison, still as an LPN, and studying to take the NCLEX. The very earliest date that he was allowed to test for his boards was January 29th. That seemed a long ways away, but he did need the study time.
We had Thanksgiving here in Arizona with his family, and then his actual graduation ceremony was on December 17th- my 34th birthday. It was quite a day, and it will go down as my best birthday ever, for obvious reasons. My parents flew down for the graduation, we all went to dinner, and then the ceremony. I remember that it hadn't really hit me yet, that he was finally finished, until about halfway through the day, and I just broke down and cried tears of joy and relief. And I hugged him so tight and told him how proud I was of him, for doing one of the hardest things of all time.
The ceremony was in Phoenix and didn't even start until 7 p.m., so we left the little ones home with a babysitter and took Kalia with us. She got to walk up on stage with me and "pin" him, and she loved being a part of it all. The next day we were packing up to go to St. George for Christmas. My parents were going to drive back with me and the girls, and Sam was going to stay and work and fly in on Christmas Eve. Floy and I managed to squeeze in a little surprise party to celebrate. His mom has a funny sense of humor and decorated with lots of hospital stuff, and friends and family dropped in to congratulate him and eat from our spread of food. It was only a week before Christmas (and was a very last minute party) and so we didn't get the best turn out, but it was good enough. I was starting to get sick and was trying to fight off whatever was coming.
We were stressed out about our family vehicle. We just hadn't really loved our Honda Odyssey, it had high miles and lots of little annoying things about it. Sam told me to get a Toyota Sienna, but I wasn't sure what I could get for the Odyssey and it's high mileage, so I listed it for sale first, and then when it sold, we were left without a van for almost a month, trying to find the right Toyota. We ended up having to rent a minivan to get to St. George (just a one-way rental.)
We spent several weeks up there, and at one point Sam and I went up to the Orem and Salt Lake area to look at minivans that people were selling. We found an awesome deal on a really nice Sienna, and drove it home. We love that thing. It drives much nicer than the Odyssey, has a DVD player for the kids (I really missed having one for them) and it has leather, power doors a power lift gate in the back, and a backup camera and navigation too. It worked out so great.
Right before we came back from St. George, Samuel took Kalia to Sue's Pet Castle and came home with a baby turtle. An aquatic turtle, called a red-eared slider. We had NO idea how much work he would be, but he was adorable. They named him Tiny. He never would eat for us, and we struggled to get his water the right temperature, and didn't get him a UV light in time (he needs 12-14 hours of UV light a day). He ended up dying a month later, and it was pretty sad. He got buried in the backyard for Sam's parents house.
January came and Sam just kept studying away. He paid for an extensive online review and that turned out to be the best thing ever. I am sure he wouldn't have passed the NCLEX on his first try if he hadn't done that. He took the test on January 29th, and later that night found out he had passed. I was actually kind of shocked because I've heard that it's extremely common for people to take it 2-3 times to pass it (sometimes more) because it's so difficult. We were so grateful that the Lord helped him pass right away.
February was the month we started job hunting. We were open to going anywhere, but we really concentrated on Arizona and Texas. He wasn't getting a lot of interest initially, as he was only applying for ICU jobs, and they are very hard to get as a new graduate. At one point he had 4 days off in a row, and his parents offered to babysit for us so we could go on a little getaway. I had never been to Puerto Penasco, Mexico (a.k.a. "Rocky Point", a beautiful beach town just 4.5 hours away. We both had passports from 5 years ago, and so we took a very last minute trip down there, and had the best time. It was such a juxtaposition of old, poor Mexico (so so poor) and then there were all these resorts built on the beach, completely Americanized, safe, expensive, etc. We had some amazing food down there, but I have been on the GAPS diet again for 2 months, and had to really just stick to vegetables, fruit, eggs, meat, etc. We did fine and it was beautiful and so relaxing and much needed.
Shortly after we got back, Sam decided he didn't want to limit himself to just ICU, so he applied to a "Progressive Care" job at hospital in Mesa. Progressive care is the level right below ICU, where patients go when they are stable enough to leave the ICU but still need extra attention than what you get on just a regular hospital floor. ICU nurses only have 1-2 patients at a time. Regular nurses have 5-7. Sam will have 3-4. He was immediately called in for an interview, and we were excited! He interviewed the next day (got stuck in a traffic accident on the freeway and was 30 minutes late) but still did amazing and they called him the next morning and offered him the job. Woohoo!!! We would be staying in Arizona and he would be working for Banner, a great hospital system with hospitals all over the country. He hopes to transfer into an ICU in about a year.
So that same day that he accepted the job, and we knew where he would be working, I got online and found a rental house that had just become available one day prior (when someone backed out of it.) It was in our old neighborhood (Cortina), was 1/2 a mile from the school my girls were already attending, and had everything I was hoping in a house. We walked through it, turned in our application, and a few days later it was accepted, despite there being tons of other people who applied for it. (We happened to be first! Such a little miracle!) We were completely stunned that in a matter of days, we had gone from no job prospects to a job, a house, and a move in date a week away. It was almost too fast and made us nervous, but my kids were thrilled, I was ecstatic, Sam was not so sure, and wanted to look into buying instead of renting. He went off and got us preapproved for a mortgage, but luckily it worked out that we had already signed the lease on the house and the landlord was going to hold us to it. We moved in right before the girls' spring break.
IT HAS BEEN AMAZING.
Sam's dad and I had to do most of the moving ourselves, Sam had to work several days in a row at the prison (he's still keeping that job along with his new one, I hope he doesn't work himself to death.) So we moved and I'm very slowly getting things unpacked. We got everything out of storage, and I was so happy to see my piano and that it had held up well in the heat and humidity of the swamp-cooled storage unit. I'll post some pictures of the house. 1637 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a den, a great backyard with cement, a fire pit, some grass, some citrus trees. It's a tad smaller than I would have liked, but after being in 2 bedrooms/1 bath for 5 years, I didn't want to get into anything too big until I had a handle on keeping multiple rooms and bathrooms clean on my own. You know, ease back into it. Another favorite thing is that my girls ride their bikes to and from school. They think it is the best thing ever, and we all love the neighborhood. Everyone is so nice, and there are kids EVERYWHERE. They love to just go play outside. There is a park about 100 yards from our house and they like to go play there too. Aria has wandered off on her own there twice, when both Sam and I are home and think the other one is watching her. She follows her older sisters out the door when they are going to friends' houses or to ride bikes and then heads straight for the park. The police were called once because she was there 5-10 minutes without anyone with her. Sam was organizing the garage and I was unpacking the kitchen. We are keeping a super close eye on her now! Speaking of Aria, she is almost potty trained. I've been letting her sit on the potty for months just to get her accustomed to it, but once we had some random successes, and she learned she got M&M's or chocolate chips, she picked it up quick. I'm not quite ready to go 100% because then we can't run errands very easily or go anywhere, but if we are home, and she doesn't have a diaper on (commando works best) then she will hold it all in and let me know when she has to go. Wonder of wonders- she has one more month until she turns two.
The best part is how I have my privacy back. I knew it had been hard and stressful to be with his parents, mostly because of my own anxiety and having everything I did or said on display at all times. I got so irritable with Sam and the girls. I wondered if maybe it was just because having 4 kids was too much for me. But now that it's just us in our house, my irritability is almost gone, and I feel like I have so much more patience. I am so much calmer. So much more peaceful and happy and relaxed. It is truly a little piece of heaven. Once everything is completely unpacked and clean and organized, I might say I have the perfect life, for just a little sliver of time. Of course it will never be perfect as we continue to stress about our new budget and kids and future schooling and health issues and Sam needing a new vehicle because his 1994 truck is on it's last leg...but all of that doesn't seem to matter, because our future just opened right up in front of us, and everything is going to okay.
I just feel that if we can survive the last 5 years we can survive anything. You look back and think, "I don't know how I did that." You just plug along and take it a day at a time and you just DO it because you have to. But I know God had to strengthen me on a daily basis to survive it, and I hope I learned everything I was supposed to learn. I don't ever want to go through that again. I am so thankful for many people who prayed for us and supported us and cheered us on over these years. It has been harder on me than I have even let on, harder than I even knew, until now as I look at myself and who I am and I still have some work to do to put myself back together. I tried to be strong but I turned away from many friends and loved ones and just retreated and tried to weather it all alone, or just with Sam, and I lost sight of my true self. I've seen so many bad qualities about myself that I lost sight of the good ones. I'm on a mission to empower myself again (so many years of feeling so helpless in our situation did that to me I guess.) I have been so lonely, and didn't recognize it. I guess it's just how I coped. But my brother-in-law gave me a good talking to, and reminded me that I need to reclaim my happiness. It seems obvious, but I just am realizing how much I need good friendships and relationships, especially from other women, so I am on a mission to bring that back into my life.
I've also decided to start writing (yes, hand-writing, such a tedious chore. I love typing.) in a journal again. I have been blogging for 8 years, and while that's on it's way out too, I miss the therapeutic benefits of getting my thoughts out on paper, and not having to worry about who's reading them. My mom reminded me how much that helped her over the years, and I'm going to take advantage of that.
So there's the update on the last 6 months. Whew. So much change. So many good things. I feel like the blessings are being poured out and cannot be contained. After much tribulation cometh the blessings. That is the truth.
Let's start with the fact that on October 30th, Samuel officially passed his 4th block of nursing school, and was FINISHED with classes. HALLELUJAH!!! He had a few weeks of meetings and a few more clinicals, but by December he was just working full-time at the prison, still as an LPN, and studying to take the NCLEX. The very earliest date that he was allowed to test for his boards was January 29th. That seemed a long ways away, but he did need the study time.
We had Thanksgiving here in Arizona with his family, and then his actual graduation ceremony was on December 17th- my 34th birthday. It was quite a day, and it will go down as my best birthday ever, for obvious reasons. My parents flew down for the graduation, we all went to dinner, and then the ceremony. I remember that it hadn't really hit me yet, that he was finally finished, until about halfway through the day, and I just broke down and cried tears of joy and relief. And I hugged him so tight and told him how proud I was of him, for doing one of the hardest things of all time.
The ceremony was in Phoenix and didn't even start until 7 p.m., so we left the little ones home with a babysitter and took Kalia with us. She got to walk up on stage with me and "pin" him, and she loved being a part of it all. The next day we were packing up to go to St. George for Christmas. My parents were going to drive back with me and the girls, and Sam was going to stay and work and fly in on Christmas Eve. Floy and I managed to squeeze in a little surprise party to celebrate. His mom has a funny sense of humor and decorated with lots of hospital stuff, and friends and family dropped in to congratulate him and eat from our spread of food. It was only a week before Christmas (and was a very last minute party) and so we didn't get the best turn out, but it was good enough. I was starting to get sick and was trying to fight off whatever was coming.
We were stressed out about our family vehicle. We just hadn't really loved our Honda Odyssey, it had high miles and lots of little annoying things about it. Sam told me to get a Toyota Sienna, but I wasn't sure what I could get for the Odyssey and it's high mileage, so I listed it for sale first, and then when it sold, we were left without a van for almost a month, trying to find the right Toyota. We ended up having to rent a minivan to get to St. George (just a one-way rental.)
We spent several weeks up there, and at one point Sam and I went up to the Orem and Salt Lake area to look at minivans that people were selling. We found an awesome deal on a really nice Sienna, and drove it home. We love that thing. It drives much nicer than the Odyssey, has a DVD player for the kids (I really missed having one for them) and it has leather, power doors a power lift gate in the back, and a backup camera and navigation too. It worked out so great.
Right before we came back from St. George, Samuel took Kalia to Sue's Pet Castle and came home with a baby turtle. An aquatic turtle, called a red-eared slider. We had NO idea how much work he would be, but he was adorable. They named him Tiny. He never would eat for us, and we struggled to get his water the right temperature, and didn't get him a UV light in time (he needs 12-14 hours of UV light a day). He ended up dying a month later, and it was pretty sad. He got buried in the backyard for Sam's parents house.
January came and Sam just kept studying away. He paid for an extensive online review and that turned out to be the best thing ever. I am sure he wouldn't have passed the NCLEX on his first try if he hadn't done that. He took the test on January 29th, and later that night found out he had passed. I was actually kind of shocked because I've heard that it's extremely common for people to take it 2-3 times to pass it (sometimes more) because it's so difficult. We were so grateful that the Lord helped him pass right away.
February was the month we started job hunting. We were open to going anywhere, but we really concentrated on Arizona and Texas. He wasn't getting a lot of interest initially, as he was only applying for ICU jobs, and they are very hard to get as a new graduate. At one point he had 4 days off in a row, and his parents offered to babysit for us so we could go on a little getaway. I had never been to Puerto Penasco, Mexico (a.k.a. "Rocky Point", a beautiful beach town just 4.5 hours away. We both had passports from 5 years ago, and so we took a very last minute trip down there, and had the best time. It was such a juxtaposition of old, poor Mexico (so so poor) and then there were all these resorts built on the beach, completely Americanized, safe, expensive, etc. We had some amazing food down there, but I have been on the GAPS diet again for 2 months, and had to really just stick to vegetables, fruit, eggs, meat, etc. We did fine and it was beautiful and so relaxing and much needed.
Shortly after we got back, Sam decided he didn't want to limit himself to just ICU, so he applied to a "Progressive Care" job at hospital in Mesa. Progressive care is the level right below ICU, where patients go when they are stable enough to leave the ICU but still need extra attention than what you get on just a regular hospital floor. ICU nurses only have 1-2 patients at a time. Regular nurses have 5-7. Sam will have 3-4. He was immediately called in for an interview, and we were excited! He interviewed the next day (got stuck in a traffic accident on the freeway and was 30 minutes late) but still did amazing and they called him the next morning and offered him the job. Woohoo!!! We would be staying in Arizona and he would be working for Banner, a great hospital system with hospitals all over the country. He hopes to transfer into an ICU in about a year.
So that same day that he accepted the job, and we knew where he would be working, I got online and found a rental house that had just become available one day prior (when someone backed out of it.) It was in our old neighborhood (Cortina), was 1/2 a mile from the school my girls were already attending, and had everything I was hoping in a house. We walked through it, turned in our application, and a few days later it was accepted, despite there being tons of other people who applied for it. (We happened to be first! Such a little miracle!) We were completely stunned that in a matter of days, we had gone from no job prospects to a job, a house, and a move in date a week away. It was almost too fast and made us nervous, but my kids were thrilled, I was ecstatic, Sam was not so sure, and wanted to look into buying instead of renting. He went off and got us preapproved for a mortgage, but luckily it worked out that we had already signed the lease on the house and the landlord was going to hold us to it. We moved in right before the girls' spring break.
IT HAS BEEN AMAZING.
Sam's dad and I had to do most of the moving ourselves, Sam had to work several days in a row at the prison (he's still keeping that job along with his new one, I hope he doesn't work himself to death.) So we moved and I'm very slowly getting things unpacked. We got everything out of storage, and I was so happy to see my piano and that it had held up well in the heat and humidity of the swamp-cooled storage unit. I'll post some pictures of the house. 1637 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a den, a great backyard with cement, a fire pit, some grass, some citrus trees. It's a tad smaller than I would have liked, but after being in 2 bedrooms/1 bath for 5 years, I didn't want to get into anything too big until I had a handle on keeping multiple rooms and bathrooms clean on my own. You know, ease back into it. Another favorite thing is that my girls ride their bikes to and from school. They think it is the best thing ever, and we all love the neighborhood. Everyone is so nice, and there are kids EVERYWHERE. They love to just go play outside. There is a park about 100 yards from our house and they like to go play there too. Aria has wandered off on her own there twice, when both Sam and I are home and think the other one is watching her. She follows her older sisters out the door when they are going to friends' houses or to ride bikes and then heads straight for the park. The police were called once because she was there 5-10 minutes without anyone with her. Sam was organizing the garage and I was unpacking the kitchen. We are keeping a super close eye on her now! Speaking of Aria, she is almost potty trained. I've been letting her sit on the potty for months just to get her accustomed to it, but once we had some random successes, and she learned she got M&M's or chocolate chips, she picked it up quick. I'm not quite ready to go 100% because then we can't run errands very easily or go anywhere, but if we are home, and she doesn't have a diaper on (commando works best) then she will hold it all in and let me know when she has to go. Wonder of wonders- she has one more month until she turns two.
The best part is how I have my privacy back. I knew it had been hard and stressful to be with his parents, mostly because of my own anxiety and having everything I did or said on display at all times. I got so irritable with Sam and the girls. I wondered if maybe it was just because having 4 kids was too much for me. But now that it's just us in our house, my irritability is almost gone, and I feel like I have so much more patience. I am so much calmer. So much more peaceful and happy and relaxed. It is truly a little piece of heaven. Once everything is completely unpacked and clean and organized, I might say I have the perfect life, for just a little sliver of time. Of course it will never be perfect as we continue to stress about our new budget and kids and future schooling and health issues and Sam needing a new vehicle because his 1994 truck is on it's last leg...but all of that doesn't seem to matter, because our future just opened right up in front of us, and everything is going to okay.
I just feel that if we can survive the last 5 years we can survive anything. You look back and think, "I don't know how I did that." You just plug along and take it a day at a time and you just DO it because you have to. But I know God had to strengthen me on a daily basis to survive it, and I hope I learned everything I was supposed to learn. I don't ever want to go through that again. I am so thankful for many people who prayed for us and supported us and cheered us on over these years. It has been harder on me than I have even let on, harder than I even knew, until now as I look at myself and who I am and I still have some work to do to put myself back together. I tried to be strong but I turned away from many friends and loved ones and just retreated and tried to weather it all alone, or just with Sam, and I lost sight of my true self. I've seen so many bad qualities about myself that I lost sight of the good ones. I'm on a mission to empower myself again (so many years of feeling so helpless in our situation did that to me I guess.) I have been so lonely, and didn't recognize it. I guess it's just how I coped. But my brother-in-law gave me a good talking to, and reminded me that I need to reclaim my happiness. It seems obvious, but I just am realizing how much I need good friendships and relationships, especially from other women, so I am on a mission to bring that back into my life.
I've also decided to start writing (yes, hand-writing, such a tedious chore. I love typing.) in a journal again. I have been blogging for 8 years, and while that's on it's way out too, I miss the therapeutic benefits of getting my thoughts out on paper, and not having to worry about who's reading them. My mom reminded me how much that helped her over the years, and I'm going to take advantage of that.
So there's the update on the last 6 months. Whew. So much change. So many good things. I feel like the blessings are being poured out and cannot be contained. After much tribulation cometh the blessings. That is the truth.
Now I'm just going to throw on a whole bunch of pics from my phone.
Tuesday, September 09, 2014
Answered Prayers
Today I would like to write down four answers to prayers that I have received in the last week, because they testify to me that my Heavenly Father hears me and loves me and will help me, even if it's the smallest, most unimportant thing in the world.
#1 He sent us the most amazing, perfect people to buy our blasted truck. It was a family with one brother being a diesel mechanic and the other, a regular mechanic. We made $800 on the transaction, and they knew they had gotten a screaming deal, even with the remaining problems. I can't express how relieved I feel to have it gone. I almost feel like $800 wasn't worth the emotional turmoil I (we) went through (if I had a choice to do it again) but He knew, all along, that these guys were going to come buy it. I wish I could have had that insight. All is well. I'm so thankful it's gone.
#2 A small snake got in our house and was hiding from us for a few days. It was really making me feel worried about where it was, if it would scare my kids, or if it was dangerous. I prayed that the Lord would direct the snake outside ASAP. About 2 days later, he came out of hiding (he was up on my in-laws desk!) and we were able to call a neighbor boy over who is a snake expert, and he caught it and took it home. Another huge stress, instantly removed from my life.
****** These two experience were so small and insignificant, and yet SO OBVIOUSLY an immediate answer to prayers, I was stunned and humbled to have them happen just two days apart.
#3 I was making homemade coconut milk in a Magic Bullet blender. My sister in law had borrowed the Vitamix and left her bullet blender in it's place, and I was not familiar with it. I had made one batch and was working on the second, and I screwed the lid (base) on really tight. Much tighter than I even realized, because when it was time to take it off, I could NOT unscrew it. I tried unsuccessfully at least 10 times. I tried using cloths and paper towels and everything possible to create some friction. I used every bit of strength I had. I was home alone and SO INCREDIBLY frustrated that something so stupid was getting the best of me. Finally, not knowing what else to do, I said a little prayer and asked for help to get it open. And then I tried again to open it. And to my utter surprise, that thing opened up as EASY as can be. I seriously just stared at it for a minute afterwards, I could not believe it. I mean, I COULD, but it still stunned me. And I think I even cried for a second at this revelation that I, without a doubt, had been heard and assisted from the other side.
#4 I lost my phone one day, somewhere in the house. I didn't have anyone around to call or text me, in order to make the phone make some noise and reveal itself. So I got online to use iCloud, and used the "Find My Iphone" feature. It has an option to make some noise to help find it. So I was able to narrow down that the phone was in my room somewhere. The iCloud would ping for about two minutes, and I would run to my room, and I could hear it, but for some reason I could NOT find it! It sounded like it had fallen behind the bed, or under the bed, or down a drawer- it was a tiny bit muffled. But when I'd try to get closer to the sound with my ear, it would trick me and not be where I thought it was. I was so baffled! I kept running back to the computer to set the ping off again, and after 10 minutes of this, and having torn my room apart, I was incredibly frustrated. So this time I got down on my knees, and acknowledging that this was a lame, not-important request (and yet it was one that was really driving me insane, trying to figure it out), I asked if He could please take a moment in His busy eternal round to let me know why that phone was eluding me and why I wasn't able to find it. I said "Amen", stood up, and INSTANTLY this clarity came to my mind. "It's outside." I had been out there earlier in the day with Ella and Aria. And sure enough, I walked to the backyard and right outside my window is an air hockey table, covered in a blanket, and on top of that was my phone. It was just inches away from my window, and that's why I hadn't been able to pinpoint the sound. My blinds were closed as well, so I couldn't see it either. But it was amazing to me to have such an immediate answer. There absolutely was no other explanation for the way all my thoughts cleared and were replaced with the solution. IT WAS AWESOME!
#1 He sent us the most amazing, perfect people to buy our blasted truck. It was a family with one brother being a diesel mechanic and the other, a regular mechanic. We made $800 on the transaction, and they knew they had gotten a screaming deal, even with the remaining problems. I can't express how relieved I feel to have it gone. I almost feel like $800 wasn't worth the emotional turmoil I (we) went through (if I had a choice to do it again) but He knew, all along, that these guys were going to come buy it. I wish I could have had that insight. All is well. I'm so thankful it's gone.
#2 A small snake got in our house and was hiding from us for a few days. It was really making me feel worried about where it was, if it would scare my kids, or if it was dangerous. I prayed that the Lord would direct the snake outside ASAP. About 2 days later, he came out of hiding (he was up on my in-laws desk!) and we were able to call a neighbor boy over who is a snake expert, and he caught it and took it home. Another huge stress, instantly removed from my life.
****** These two experience were so small and insignificant, and yet SO OBVIOUSLY an immediate answer to prayers, I was stunned and humbled to have them happen just two days apart.
#3 I was making homemade coconut milk in a Magic Bullet blender. My sister in law had borrowed the Vitamix and left her bullet blender in it's place, and I was not familiar with it. I had made one batch and was working on the second, and I screwed the lid (base) on really tight. Much tighter than I even realized, because when it was time to take it off, I could NOT unscrew it. I tried unsuccessfully at least 10 times. I tried using cloths and paper towels and everything possible to create some friction. I used every bit of strength I had. I was home alone and SO INCREDIBLY frustrated that something so stupid was getting the best of me. Finally, not knowing what else to do, I said a little prayer and asked for help to get it open. And then I tried again to open it. And to my utter surprise, that thing opened up as EASY as can be. I seriously just stared at it for a minute afterwards, I could not believe it. I mean, I COULD, but it still stunned me. And I think I even cried for a second at this revelation that I, without a doubt, had been heard and assisted from the other side.
#4 I lost my phone one day, somewhere in the house. I didn't have anyone around to call or text me, in order to make the phone make some noise and reveal itself. So I got online to use iCloud, and used the "Find My Iphone" feature. It has an option to make some noise to help find it. So I was able to narrow down that the phone was in my room somewhere. The iCloud would ping for about two minutes, and I would run to my room, and I could hear it, but for some reason I could NOT find it! It sounded like it had fallen behind the bed, or under the bed, or down a drawer- it was a tiny bit muffled. But when I'd try to get closer to the sound with my ear, it would trick me and not be where I thought it was. I was so baffled! I kept running back to the computer to set the ping off again, and after 10 minutes of this, and having torn my room apart, I was incredibly frustrated. So this time I got down on my knees, and acknowledging that this was a lame, not-important request (and yet it was one that was really driving me insane, trying to figure it out), I asked if He could please take a moment in His busy eternal round to let me know why that phone was eluding me and why I wasn't able to find it. I said "Amen", stood up, and INSTANTLY this clarity came to my mind. "It's outside." I had been out there earlier in the day with Ella and Aria. And sure enough, I walked to the backyard and right outside my window is an air hockey table, covered in a blanket, and on top of that was my phone. It was just inches away from my window, and that's why I hadn't been able to pinpoint the sound. My blinds were closed as well, so I couldn't see it either. But it was amazing to me to have such an immediate answer. There absolutely was no other explanation for the way all my thoughts cleared and were replaced with the solution. IT WAS AWESOME!
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Kid Update
KALIA:
Kalia has spent the last 7 weeks with a big red spot over her left eye. It's been really red, dry and flaky. It started out really small, and then just kept spreading and spreading. We took her to the E.R. when someone convinced me it was a life threatening eye infection. Luckily, it wasn't- and we gave her the antibiotic just in case, and it didn't help. So that was ruled out. Next we took her to the pediatrician, who decided (correctly) that it was a fungus, possibly ringworm. The fact that most of her eyebrow had fallen out was a good clue, as ringworm can cause hairloss. We don't know how she got it, it would be an easy answer if we had pets, but anyway, after 3 weeks on an anti-fungal, the scaly dry skin has almost disappeared, but the redness is still there. (update 1 week later: The scales are BACK again and so we have a dermatologist appointment to get it cultured and make sure we are on the right track.) He said to expect her to be on the medication for 2 months. Poor thing, but she thinks she looks good without an eyebrow, and I won't tell her otherwise.
She continues to have a aversions to foods, mostly for textural reasons. She is very sensitive to smells, and also can't stomach anything soft and slippery, unless it is pasta and starches and it takes a lot of work for me to get fruits and vegetables into her diet. She will eat strawberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots (raw only), and raspberries. She also loves olives. That's it, and it severely limits me. She has gained a little bit of weight over the last few months. She is not chubby anywhere, and she has always been muscular, but she just looks "thicker" to me- and she weighs 68 lbs. She is very tall for her age as well. I am keeping an eye on her what she is eating because I know it's not a balanced diet. I'm going to be more careful with what I let her eat I am also making sure she has the chance to stay active, which is her natural way of life anyway.
She is doing great in school (she was SO excited to start up again) and is really starting to want to read on her own. She didn't really have any friends in her new class, but she has made some new ones and that made me happy. She also has been teaching herself to play songs on the piano, so I gave her a few lessons and bought her the first John Schaum book, and she is getting started with me as her teacher, and I give her 5 minutes of instruction a week, haha! There's not a lot of time for more and I'm not sure how serious she is about it, but she is picking it up fast.
Kalia has a hard time falling asleep. She loves to wait up for Samuel to get home from work, and sometimes I will let her turn a little lamp on and read if the other two girls are already asleep. It will be so nice for her to have her own room and schedule.
Oh, and Kalia is my money saver. If she gets money, she hardly ever spends it. She likes the idea of saving it and watching it grow.
Ok, and finally, I still sometimes will go in her room at night and see her sound asleep with one of Aria's binkies in her mouth. It blows my mind. I will never let a kid have a binky until they are three AGAIN!!!
:)
ANNIE:
Annie showed lots of confidence one day before school started when we went to get their hair trimmed, and she boldly asked for her hair chopped off. She didn't hesitate (although I had no idea it was coming) and she hasn't regretted it for a minute. She has the perfect hair for it, it air dries quite nicely and barely requires me to touch it- ever. LOVELY!
She seems to be enjoying 1st grade, and loves Mrs. McKeon (Kalia's teacher- we all adore her) but she was NOT excited to go back and she told me she cried because she missed me on the first day. She doesn't like to eat school lunch and wants a peanut butter sandwich EVERY DAY. She weighs about 45 lbs and is an average height. She is much more patient with school work and has much better handwriting than Kalia. She is also my best cleaner and can stay focused and get a job done faster than anyone. When they have a group assignment, such as cleaning their room, I usually end up putting her in charge, and if she tells me someone didn't help, they get to do other jobs. I can't put anyone else in charge or it won't get done.
Annie's diet is pretty good, although her appetite is small. She drinks almond milk and doesn't react to anything that she used to be allergic to. She will eat a lot more things, including soft vegetables in soups. She will eat a good variety of fruit, and loves pears the most. She might be my best eater but that's not saying a whole lot in this house.
Annie still loves her blankie with all her heart and likes to take it all over the house, and then she can't find it at night. It is so old and ragged. I usually can convince her not to take it in the car, which is a step up from last year. She twirls a corner around her finger at night while she is falling asleep. She's had it since she was a baby, Davina Spencer gave it to her and it is meaningful to me for that reason.
Annie is also excelling at reading, and reads almost as fast as Kalia, who is also a very advanced reader. She said kindergarten was pretty boring, so I hope she's not as bored in 1st grade. She is technically supposed to be in kindergarten right now because of her age, but since she tested in early, she is the very VERY youngest in her 1st grade class. She probably won't lose any teeth for a long time.
ELLA:
Ella has mostly outgrown her tantrums, thank goodness, and she is getting quite helpful. She loves to go get the mail all by herself, and she LOVES to run and get Aria out of her pack and play after a nap. She still sucks on her pointer and middle finger when she is tired and/or falling asleep. She has a few identical pink blankets that she is obsessed with. They are tiny, like 16 x 16. She can hardly go to bed without them, and asks me to find one all throughout the day.
She is not doing preschool this year. I still have 2 years at home with her, and so there's plenty of time. I was pleasantly surprised that she already knows most her letter sounds and with a little help from me, could start sounding out words at a very basic level. She has figured out that 1 and 0 make ten, and she points it out every time she sees it. She also likes to tell me what time it is.
Ella has had a hard time with her sisters gone, not because she's sad, but because she's forgotten how to entertain herself. She is making it nearly impossible for me to get anything done, and I do not ever hear silence the entire day, which can be very exhausting. She says, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" soooooo many times a day that sometimes I feel a little crazy. Sometimes I say what, what, what and she just keeps saying Mommy until I totally YELL WHHHHAAATTTT? When we are driving, she talks CONSTANTLY.
She still stays hilarious things and I hope I am getting them down so I don't forget. I let her buy some peppermint altoids and she ate like, half the tin box all at once. A few minutes later she said, "I need some water! My mouth has lava in it!" And then after she had her drink she said, "The lava is gone now." Yesterday she was riding her bike with training wheels for the first time (Sam fixed it up for her) and she clicked on her helmet, and we rode for a bit, she was doing pretty well- but by the end she was getting tired and the pedals got stuck a little, and she said sadly, "I ran out of gas." Then today she put a doll in her swimsuit and went to Sam and said, "I have a baby in my tummy! The baby will be here in 12 minutes." He said that sure enough, about 12 minutes later, she came and showed him her baby.
Another time she was playing the tablet, and I asked her if she wanted to go and get the mail. She did- and she ran across the street, looked in the mailbox (it was empty) and came running back. She came running back, grabbed her blanket, and said, "That was a long day." That run across the street must have really worn her out.
Ella loves to help me put the laundry soap in the washer and put in all the clothes. She changes her clothes several times a day, and leaves stuff all over the floor. She is half the reason that floor can hardly ever be seen. She mostly wants to wear her swimsuit everywhere and anywhere. She brushes her teeth a lot (for fun) and always gets in the bath if she sees someone in there already. She doesn't eat a whole lot, she likes peas, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, hamburger (no bun), and today she asked for bread with peanut butter on it for the first time ever. We just got her to start eating bread about a month ago. She says she doesn't like tomatoes, potatoes (except french fries), cheese, etc. She won't eat pizza except for the meat toppings (or olives.) She likes raspberries and strawberries, vanilla yogurt, rice krispies, chocolate almond milk, peanut butter smoothies (made with banana and almond milk) and she will eat rice, chicken, some soup and soft/hard carrots, and she will eat cucumbers and bananas and grapes, apples, but she likes to take tiny bites out of several apples.
She is pretty tall for her age and weighs about 40 lbs, not far from what Annie weighs. She learned to swim this summer which is always a wonderful relief. She will even jump into water from pretty high up.
Her anxiety has hardly been an issue for the last 5 months, that has been really nice.
ARIA:
Aria is having a language burst, which makes me happy because I thought she might be behind. I have changed my mind about that.
Puppy (her favorite word and she says it perfectly. This came from her seeing and holding real puppies.)
Ella
Annie
Daddy
Mommy
Nana
Papa
Nigh-nigh(t)
Lamby (Am-ee) her precious sleep friend
Binky (beetdee) her other sleep buddy
Go
Meat
ice
No-no
Cuck-a
backpack (packpa)
Okie-dokie (dokie-dokie)
"Oh no!" (she says this dramatically. A lot.)
Uh-oh
Jesus (Gee-gee)
Elsa
Anna
Poopy (she will come tell me when she has a dirty diaper)
wee-wee (she knows she is not supposed to go on the floor, which happened twice)
potty
bum-bum
boobie (don't ask)
Bath (bah)
baby
hot
Hello
eyes
nose
belly
toot
shoe
owie
good girl (goo-gool)
Kalia has spent the last 7 weeks with a big red spot over her left eye. It's been really red, dry and flaky. It started out really small, and then just kept spreading and spreading. We took her to the E.R. when someone convinced me it was a life threatening eye infection. Luckily, it wasn't- and we gave her the antibiotic just in case, and it didn't help. So that was ruled out. Next we took her to the pediatrician, who decided (correctly) that it was a fungus, possibly ringworm. The fact that most of her eyebrow had fallen out was a good clue, as ringworm can cause hairloss. We don't know how she got it, it would be an easy answer if we had pets, but anyway, after 3 weeks on an anti-fungal, the scaly dry skin has almost disappeared, but the redness is still there. (update 1 week later: The scales are BACK again and so we have a dermatologist appointment to get it cultured and make sure we are on the right track.) He said to expect her to be on the medication for 2 months. Poor thing, but she thinks she looks good without an eyebrow, and I won't tell her otherwise.
She continues to have a aversions to foods, mostly for textural reasons. She is very sensitive to smells, and also can't stomach anything soft and slippery, unless it is pasta and starches and it takes a lot of work for me to get fruits and vegetables into her diet. She will eat strawberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots (raw only), and raspberries. She also loves olives. That's it, and it severely limits me. She has gained a little bit of weight over the last few months. She is not chubby anywhere, and she has always been muscular, but she just looks "thicker" to me- and she weighs 68 lbs. She is very tall for her age as well. I am keeping an eye on her what she is eating because I know it's not a balanced diet. I'm going to be more careful with what I let her eat I am also making sure she has the chance to stay active, which is her natural way of life anyway.
She is doing great in school (she was SO excited to start up again) and is really starting to want to read on her own. She didn't really have any friends in her new class, but she has made some new ones and that made me happy. She also has been teaching herself to play songs on the piano, so I gave her a few lessons and bought her the first John Schaum book, and she is getting started with me as her teacher, and I give her 5 minutes of instruction a week, haha! There's not a lot of time for more and I'm not sure how serious she is about it, but she is picking it up fast.
Kalia has a hard time falling asleep. She loves to wait up for Samuel to get home from work, and sometimes I will let her turn a little lamp on and read if the other two girls are already asleep. It will be so nice for her to have her own room and schedule.
Oh, and Kalia is my money saver. If she gets money, she hardly ever spends it. She likes the idea of saving it and watching it grow.
Ok, and finally, I still sometimes will go in her room at night and see her sound asleep with one of Aria's binkies in her mouth. It blows my mind. I will never let a kid have a binky until they are three AGAIN!!!
:)
ANNIE:
Annie showed lots of confidence one day before school started when we went to get their hair trimmed, and she boldly asked for her hair chopped off. She didn't hesitate (although I had no idea it was coming) and she hasn't regretted it for a minute. She has the perfect hair for it, it air dries quite nicely and barely requires me to touch it- ever. LOVELY!
She seems to be enjoying 1st grade, and loves Mrs. McKeon (Kalia's teacher- we all adore her) but she was NOT excited to go back and she told me she cried because she missed me on the first day. She doesn't like to eat school lunch and wants a peanut butter sandwich EVERY DAY. She weighs about 45 lbs and is an average height. She is much more patient with school work and has much better handwriting than Kalia. She is also my best cleaner and can stay focused and get a job done faster than anyone. When they have a group assignment, such as cleaning their room, I usually end up putting her in charge, and if she tells me someone didn't help, they get to do other jobs. I can't put anyone else in charge or it won't get done.
Annie's diet is pretty good, although her appetite is small. She drinks almond milk and doesn't react to anything that she used to be allergic to. She will eat a lot more things, including soft vegetables in soups. She will eat a good variety of fruit, and loves pears the most. She might be my best eater but that's not saying a whole lot in this house.
Annie still loves her blankie with all her heart and likes to take it all over the house, and then she can't find it at night. It is so old and ragged. I usually can convince her not to take it in the car, which is a step up from last year. She twirls a corner around her finger at night while she is falling asleep. She's had it since she was a baby, Davina Spencer gave it to her and it is meaningful to me for that reason.
Annie is also excelling at reading, and reads almost as fast as Kalia, who is also a very advanced reader. She said kindergarten was pretty boring, so I hope she's not as bored in 1st grade. She is technically supposed to be in kindergarten right now because of her age, but since she tested in early, she is the very VERY youngest in her 1st grade class. She probably won't lose any teeth for a long time.
ELLA:
Ella has mostly outgrown her tantrums, thank goodness, and she is getting quite helpful. She loves to go get the mail all by herself, and she LOVES to run and get Aria out of her pack and play after a nap. She still sucks on her pointer and middle finger when she is tired and/or falling asleep. She has a few identical pink blankets that she is obsessed with. They are tiny, like 16 x 16. She can hardly go to bed without them, and asks me to find one all throughout the day.
She is not doing preschool this year. I still have 2 years at home with her, and so there's plenty of time. I was pleasantly surprised that she already knows most her letter sounds and with a little help from me, could start sounding out words at a very basic level. She has figured out that 1 and 0 make ten, and she points it out every time she sees it. She also likes to tell me what time it is.
Ella has had a hard time with her sisters gone, not because she's sad, but because she's forgotten how to entertain herself. She is making it nearly impossible for me to get anything done, and I do not ever hear silence the entire day, which can be very exhausting. She says, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" soooooo many times a day that sometimes I feel a little crazy. Sometimes I say what, what, what and she just keeps saying Mommy until I totally YELL WHHHHAAATTTT? When we are driving, she talks CONSTANTLY.
She still stays hilarious things and I hope I am getting them down so I don't forget. I let her buy some peppermint altoids and she ate like, half the tin box all at once. A few minutes later she said, "I need some water! My mouth has lava in it!" And then after she had her drink she said, "The lava is gone now." Yesterday she was riding her bike with training wheels for the first time (Sam fixed it up for her) and she clicked on her helmet, and we rode for a bit, she was doing pretty well- but by the end she was getting tired and the pedals got stuck a little, and she said sadly, "I ran out of gas." Then today she put a doll in her swimsuit and went to Sam and said, "I have a baby in my tummy! The baby will be here in 12 minutes." He said that sure enough, about 12 minutes later, she came and showed him her baby.
Another time she was playing the tablet, and I asked her if she wanted to go and get the mail. She did- and she ran across the street, looked in the mailbox (it was empty) and came running back. She came running back, grabbed her blanket, and said, "That was a long day." That run across the street must have really worn her out.
Ella loves to help me put the laundry soap in the washer and put in all the clothes. She changes her clothes several times a day, and leaves stuff all over the floor. She is half the reason that floor can hardly ever be seen. She mostly wants to wear her swimsuit everywhere and anywhere. She brushes her teeth a lot (for fun) and always gets in the bath if she sees someone in there already. She doesn't eat a whole lot, she likes peas, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, hamburger (no bun), and today she asked for bread with peanut butter on it for the first time ever. We just got her to start eating bread about a month ago. She says she doesn't like tomatoes, potatoes (except french fries), cheese, etc. She won't eat pizza except for the meat toppings (or olives.) She likes raspberries and strawberries, vanilla yogurt, rice krispies, chocolate almond milk, peanut butter smoothies (made with banana and almond milk) and she will eat rice, chicken, some soup and soft/hard carrots, and she will eat cucumbers and bananas and grapes, apples, but she likes to take tiny bites out of several apples.
She is pretty tall for her age and weighs about 40 lbs, not far from what Annie weighs. She learned to swim this summer which is always a wonderful relief. She will even jump into water from pretty high up.
Her anxiety has hardly been an issue for the last 5 months, that has been really nice.
ARIA:
Aria is having a language burst, which makes me happy because I thought she might be behind. I have changed my mind about that.
Puppy (her favorite word and she says it perfectly. This came from her seeing and holding real puppies.)
Ella
Annie
Daddy
Mommy
Nana
Papa
Nigh-nigh(t)
Lamby (Am-ee) her precious sleep friend
Binky (beetdee) her other sleep buddy
Go
Meat
ice
No-no
Cuck-a
backpack (packpa)
Okie-dokie (dokie-dokie)
"Oh no!" (she says this dramatically. A lot.)
Uh-oh
Jesus (Gee-gee)
Elsa
Anna
Poopy (she will come tell me when she has a dirty diaper)
wee-wee (she knows she is not supposed to go on the floor, which happened twice)
potty
bum-bum
boobie (don't ask)
Bath (bah)
baby
hot
Hello
eyes
nose
belly
toot
shoe
owie
good girl (goo-gool)
Thank you (teekoo)
PeekaBoo (peeboo)
Aria is my must loving, affectionate child. It is probably my favorite thing about her. She will lay her head down on our shoulders occasionally, and just give us a tight hug or pat on the back. I love it so so so much. She does not like strangers at all, she really loves her favorite people, but she wants nothing to do with you if you're not one of the Select Few. Unless you're a fellow toddler, then she's excited and wants to get right in their face. She just hit 16 months, she weighs 24 lbs, she has the curliest hair of any of my children. She is down to one nap, and she sleeps good all night. Still drinks her goat milk, can't eat chicken or carrots or berries or beans, although we occasionally give her a little- as long as she gets it in small doses we can get away with it. Sometimes she pays the price and has a bright red, painfully rashy bum, and we have to handle it carefully for a few days to get it to heal.
She still sleeps in our walk in closet, which is pitch black, has a white noise machine, and we never forget her soft plush blanket that grandma Karen made, and her lamby. She usually drinks a bottle of goat milk before bed or naps, but otherwise she loves to drink out of big girl cups, and she loves putting her food in those cups even more, and then dumping it all over her high chair. She is a typical toddler and major mess-maker. Lately she has been giving us the cheesiest grin ever, it is hysterical. She scrunches up her face as hard as she can, and I bust up laughing EVERY TIME. I love her so much.
Aria is my must loving, affectionate child. It is probably my favorite thing about her. She will lay her head down on our shoulders occasionally, and just give us a tight hug or pat on the back. I love it so so so much. She does not like strangers at all, she really loves her favorite people, but she wants nothing to do with you if you're not one of the Select Few. Unless you're a fellow toddler, then she's excited and wants to get right in their face. She just hit 16 months, she weighs 24 lbs, she has the curliest hair of any of my children. She is down to one nap, and she sleeps good all night. Still drinks her goat milk, can't eat chicken or carrots or berries or beans, although we occasionally give her a little- as long as she gets it in small doses we can get away with it. Sometimes she pays the price and has a bright red, painfully rashy bum, and we have to handle it carefully for a few days to get it to heal.
She still sleeps in our walk in closet, which is pitch black, has a white noise machine, and we never forget her soft plush blanket that grandma Karen made, and her lamby. She usually drinks a bottle of goat milk before bed or naps, but otherwise she loves to drink out of big girl cups, and she loves putting her food in those cups even more, and then dumping it all over her high chair. She is a typical toddler and major mess-maker. Lately she has been giving us the cheesiest grin ever, it is hysterical. She scrunches up her face as hard as she can, and I bust up laughing EVERY TIME. I love her so much.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Suffering
I don't know if anyone still reads my blog. It doesn't matter if anyone reads this, because I need the therapy of writing it. Sometimes I think I need real, actual, sit-down therapy, but honestly, it is amazing what happens when you write things out like this.
I remember when I married Samuel, I was secretly so happy that he had already completed college, and I didn't have to "put him through school." That just sounded hard and stressful. Little did I know what the Lord had in store for me. About six years ago, Samuel decided to leave his career at the University of Phoenix because he was miserable doing financial aid. I had just had my first baby and didn't plan on ever working again. But I was also kind of excited to move closer to family. Things fell right into place, and we got hired as apartment managers in Las Vegas. For about a year, things were really good. Other than a surprise baby who came 14 months after our first, and ended up screaming for 3 months solid and could never be put down... (whew, I don't know how I survived that)...I look back on those days as happy times.
Life took a very sudden turn when some bad people got drunk and angry and took their frustrations out on Samuel one fateful 4th of July night. We left the next day, literally fearing for the safety of our family. He sort of quit that job, sort of got fired (for telling them he wasn't coming back) and thus began some intense financial trials that are still going on right now, five years later.
You know what causes a lot of stress on a marriage? Financial problems. Well, all problems probably cause stress. But financial problems can really tear you apart. I am thankful that Samuel and I are still married and hung on and worked through every difficulty that came up. Nobody knows but us and God how much work it took at times.
We saw blessings along the way, a beautiful rental house for 9 months, the only time I have lived in my own "house" in 8 years of marriage. A job for a little while here, or a little while there. Finally deciding that nursing would be something he loved, and then getting right in to a bilingual nursing program, and bypassing the years of wait lists for the nursing students in Arizona. The tax refund that seemed especially big one year, that allowed us to pay off our car and own it free and clear. That car that never broke down on us during those years...I can't say how thankful I am for these tender mercies along the way.
But the truth is, most of the time Samuel has been out of work. Most of the time, we have either lived in someone's basement, in two bedrooms and one bathroom, or with my in-laws, in two bedrooms and one bathroom, and we have had almost no money, and anything we did have was borrowed and gaining interest. I have learned to live without things I wish I had. I have tried not to even WISH or WANT for things, it makes it easier when you can't have them. Over the years we have sold everything we own except our vehicles and our clothes. I remember one time someone trying to talk us into "renters insurance" and I just laughed...we literally have nothing of value to insure. We saved our things for a few years, thinking it would just be a few more months before we could get back out on our own. Finally, the cost of the storage unit was adding up, and we needed the money, so we sold anything that could bring in the money. We kept a crib (which is ironic because all my babies have spent their days in pack and plays, except for Kalia, my oldest, who got to actually experience an actual crib, because she was born a little before these trials started. I think I was just holding on to the dream.) Now Aria has slept in a walk-in closet in a pack-n-play, just like her 3 sisters before her, and soon she will be crawling out of it and we'll have to move her into a toddler bed. Sometimes I mourn the fact that I will probably never decorate a cute "nursery" for any of my babies. No room. No money. Not in the cards for me.
We kept a king bed, the kids' clothes, and some dishes, and a piano that's not very nice, but still, I love to play it, even though it's been in our storage unit for the last year as well. We kept our food storage, because let's be honest. We've been on food stamps for most of the last five years, and so we used part of that money to build a storage. We kept our old, kind of ugly leather couch, because it's the most comfortable thing you'll ever lay your head on. It's currently in the missionaries apartment behind my in-laws house, because we couldn't even fit it anywhere else, including our 10x10 storage unit.
That's right. Everything we own in a 10 x 10 foot storage unit.
I tell myself (and honestly know it's true)- THINGS do not bring happiness. MONEY does not bring happiness. If I can't be happy now, with almost nothing, I will not be happy when I have everything I've wished for. Happiness comes from within, and so I've given everything I have to this cause: Be happy, as happy as you can be, now...no matter the circumstances. Life will never be magically easier. It will always be hard, there will always be trials to bring us to our knees.
And it usually works. I feel a peaceful contentment, most of the time, that our lives are completely being guided by a Heavenly Father who loves us and has a plan for us. Sometimes I might question WHY- and sometimes I even get a little angry, because I have moments like everyone else where I am just SO SICK of struggling. Sometimes I lose faith and instead of saying, "It's all for a wise purpose...someday we will know why". I start to say, "WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING US WHEN WE ARE TRYING TO HARD TO DO EVERYTHING YOUR WAY?"
The answer, of course, is that it's not a punishment. But it is a refinement. And I try not to listen to the mean voices in my head who want me to believe it's because I'm really selfish, or really proud, or really lazy, or whatever. I try not to listen, or believe that a six year trial must mean that in six years I haven't improved on the things I need to improve on.
But sometimes it gets discouraging. Today I was feeling oh so very discouraged.
I know I wrote about Samuel not passing his final semester of nursing school. Truly not the end of the world. It's not like he failed out all together. He just came up a few points short on the final exam, and if you don't have a high enough score, you repeat the entire semester. And that was supposed to be his last semester, and he was going to GRADUATE and we were going to MOVE OUT!!! (cue the choirs of angels singing).
I was already to the end of my rope when that happened (I thought). I had patiently tried to endure living in one of the hardest scenarios an introvert will ever have to face, and that is of course, living right in (and on top of) your in-laws. I know I am lucky to have the kindest in-laws possible, I have to say that because family drama gets started when people start judging me and my "less than grateful" moments. I hope all the judgy readers are gone. I took away their access. But anyway. I digress.
This last year has been hard for me. Understatement. This has pushed me to levels of depression and anxiety that I have never known before. Now let me also say, many days are totally fine, peaceful, happy, and I am actually GLAD I live here with my in-laws. I don't want to paint a picture that it's all bad. There's probably more good than bad days. But the bad ones are so bad, mostly because of the stress I feel living here. I can't even describe it. Many have gone before me and will understand. And I truly hope my in-laws never hear me say these words: I have never struggled with anything as much as I have with our living situation here. It's just too constant, every minute of every day, with almost no relief.
I couldn't believe I had survived til April, and that's when we got the bad news that he didn't pass...that he would have to repeat, and that he couldn't even get back on it until August, graduating in December, meaning EIGHT MORE MONTHS here. It was so painful to have my freedom RIGHT in front of me, only to have it ripped away so excruciatingly.
People must have been praying for me though, because I felt the burdens on my back lightened, and/or my back was strengthened, because for about 2 months it wasn't hard. Sam was able to get a summer job and get some valuable experience, and we felt good that part of the "reason" this had been part of the plan for us, was to give us the chance to save up money so that when we DID move out, we could go with a little something to start over with.
At this same time, Samuel decided to sell the motorcycle that he had been commuting on for the last few years, and find something else to drive, using the money from the motorcycle.
I was anxious about the process of getting a *different* vehicle, because there's always the chance that you'll get one with a bunch of problems. And when you have no money, and car problems suddenly surprise you...There's almost nothing I hate more than being poor and then having car problems. You are basically forced to go into debt to fix something that you wish you didn't have to. We had been spared this for the most part, and were extremely blessed with the Honda Pilot we got at an auction- never having even taken it for a test drive. But now we had to choose again.
Could we be so blessed and lucky twice in a row? We hoped so, after all, Heavenly Father knew we needed to be saving for other things like a home...or beds for the kids to sleep on. ETC. We met the nicest person ever (randomly...felt like divine design) who went to car auctions on the side, and offered to try to find us a good car at an amazing (wholesale) price. We were so excited.
This dragged on for weeks, with several deals and cars falling through. Finally, feeling like maybe we were barking up the wrong tree, we decided that maybe we would consider a truck that could seat all 6 of us. We had been praying and praying for a good vehicle for our family that would not need many repairs over the years. We prayed for things to fall into place.
And it seemed like that was going to happen. Within days of us switching to the "truck" idea, our friend went to the auction, and won us a 2005 Ford F-350 diesel truck, a $15,000 truck, and he got it for $5,700. HOLY COW!!! We were so excited and felt so blessed. We did NOT need a truck that big, we didn't really need the diesel, and we knew it would get terrible gas mileage, but hey, it must be another blessing from Heavenly Father. Right?
It was $2,000 more than we had from the motorcycle, but we had saved up enough, thanks to Sam working his butt off to pay for it. I remember picking it up and driving it home....and a HUGE pit formed in my stomach. It wasn't running right. It was struggling. Something with the engine. Was it the transmission? We took it to a good mechanic. And I started researching the problems on this vehicle...and there were (what seemed like) MILLIONS of complaints with this truck, specifically the diesel with the 6.0 engine. If you EVER see one, RUN. Biggest piece of crap that's ever been made. Ruined me from owning a FORD EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER.
There was probably at least $4,000 needed in repairs. After agonizing over what to do with this "gift" from Heavenly Father, FOR WEEKS, and going back and forth trying to decide if it would last forever (or not) once we did the repairs, and after many, many arguments with my spouse, if I'm being very honest, we finally decided to fix the biggest issues, and sell it.
So, with every last penny we had to our name, we paid that $1900 repair bill, the truck still not running perfectly and the "check engine" light STILL ON, but now we could only hope that we could sell the truck and at least make back what we had put into it. I was (and am still) petrified that the engine is gonna blow up, and we've already been told that's a $9,000 repair- and then we will have lost everything. I truly believe that Heavenly Father will NOT do that to us. If we can just get back what we've put into it, then it was really just as good as if it was a savings account, right?
It's been listed for a week without selling. We have dropped the price down to almost what we paid for it (plus the repair costs). I don't know what's going to happen. I am trying not to worry about it. I really didn't mean to tell that whole story here today.
I meant to tell what I learned today because of it.
I've been having trouble sleeping because of this truck problem, and I feel like I can't even DEAL with it anymore. It's eaten me alive and I have nothing left for it to take. I just want to be rid of it so bad. While I was driving along today, lost in thought, and trying not to cry, I just was like, "Heavenly Father! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS? I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO LEARN FROM EVERYTHING, BUT I HONESTLY CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT WHAT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO TEACH ME! IT HAS PUT AN UNREAL AMOUNT OF STRESS ON ME, SAMUEL, AND OUR MARRIAGE, WHHHHHYYYY DID YOU SEND US THIS TRUCK? BECAUSE WE CAN SEE NOW, IT'S CERTAINLY NOT TO KEEP IT, OR EVEN MAKE A PROFIT OFF IT."
That's what I was thinking, but no answer came.
At least not right away. But it was only a few hours before I got my answer. And I knew it.
I was laying by my girls in their fort in the front room. Why a fort in the front room? Oh, that's another story, but in a nutshell, the A/C just went out on half the house (the bedrooms) and it's too hot to sleep in them. August in Arizona- inlaws happen to be out of town. Repair man won't be here for two more days, making a total of 4 days without a/c in half the house. Anyway, that's nothing compared to a lot of other things. So back to my story.
They were falling asleep, and in an effort to stay awake, I started looking at some different blogs. I had stumbled onto one earlier this week, called Loving My Lot, or Loving our Lot, I can't even find it right now as I search for it. She is a Christian blogger and she is very inspiring.
I feel like her blog post was just for me. She talked about how hard it is to watch others prosper when we are suffering. And let's be honest- everyone suffers, and often privately, because we don't all share those things with others.
But I know about the struggle- with every fiber of my being- not to be jealous of my friends and acquaintances and their huge, magazine-worthy homes. Their brand new vehicles, under warranty. Their stylish clothes, and their manicured nails. Their trips to exotic places. It seems like I have been almost completely surrounded by people prospering, in the last 6 years that we have been struggling. We have not been around a lot of people who had no money or no job. We've been surrounded by affluence. I don't even know why, just part of the test I guess. I love these people. I am usually happy they can have those things, and know their trials are probably elsewhere. I also wish that someday I can experience those same luxuries some day.
But for the sake of utter and complete honesty, sometimes I'm not happy for them, and it makes me a little bit sick. I guess that's probably when I'm not feeling the spirit, or I'm feeling sorry for myself. But hey. It happens.
Tonight, as I read her blog though, she said that Suffering will ALWAYS make us more like Jesus Christ. He suffered everything, and so much worse than I will ever fathom. So if there is NO other purpose that we can see in suffering, we can find peace that God is turning us into a person that is more like Jesus Christ.
And so that was my answer. Not everything has a "lesson" per se, but if I am coming to know my Savior better, by knowing more of what suffering is, then that is enough for me. I know so many who are suffering so much more than I am, with illnesses, cancer, even their children, chronic pain, loneliness and heartbreaking infertility, and deaths of loved ones, even children and spouses (my worst nightmare) and horrific trials that I have not been dealt. I feel guilty for even putting myself in the same category as these people.
But maybe it's not about why we've been given the trials we have been given- because surely God knows that's what was needed- but it's about the struggle we go through as we walk a path of heartbreak and pain, finding moments or hours or maybe even weeks or months of happiness and joy along the way...
It might just be more than a lesson, but the shaping of a heart into something that it couldn't become any other way.
So I hope I can trust a little more, be a little more patient, find a way to calm the anxiety that surrounds me. It's just money...money can be replaced. I'd rather lose money than people.
Deep breath...pray...cry...and this too shall pass.
Aw, this earthly life experience.
Sometimes it's hard. But it will be okay.
I remember when I married Samuel, I was secretly so happy that he had already completed college, and I didn't have to "put him through school." That just sounded hard and stressful. Little did I know what the Lord had in store for me. About six years ago, Samuel decided to leave his career at the University of Phoenix because he was miserable doing financial aid. I had just had my first baby and didn't plan on ever working again. But I was also kind of excited to move closer to family. Things fell right into place, and we got hired as apartment managers in Las Vegas. For about a year, things were really good. Other than a surprise baby who came 14 months after our first, and ended up screaming for 3 months solid and could never be put down... (whew, I don't know how I survived that)...I look back on those days as happy times.
Life took a very sudden turn when some bad people got drunk and angry and took their frustrations out on Samuel one fateful 4th of July night. We left the next day, literally fearing for the safety of our family. He sort of quit that job, sort of got fired (for telling them he wasn't coming back) and thus began some intense financial trials that are still going on right now, five years later.
You know what causes a lot of stress on a marriage? Financial problems. Well, all problems probably cause stress. But financial problems can really tear you apart. I am thankful that Samuel and I are still married and hung on and worked through every difficulty that came up. Nobody knows but us and God how much work it took at times.
We saw blessings along the way, a beautiful rental house for 9 months, the only time I have lived in my own "house" in 8 years of marriage. A job for a little while here, or a little while there. Finally deciding that nursing would be something he loved, and then getting right in to a bilingual nursing program, and bypassing the years of wait lists for the nursing students in Arizona. The tax refund that seemed especially big one year, that allowed us to pay off our car and own it free and clear. That car that never broke down on us during those years...I can't say how thankful I am for these tender mercies along the way.
But the truth is, most of the time Samuel has been out of work. Most of the time, we have either lived in someone's basement, in two bedrooms and one bathroom, or with my in-laws, in two bedrooms and one bathroom, and we have had almost no money, and anything we did have was borrowed and gaining interest. I have learned to live without things I wish I had. I have tried not to even WISH or WANT for things, it makes it easier when you can't have them. Over the years we have sold everything we own except our vehicles and our clothes. I remember one time someone trying to talk us into "renters insurance" and I just laughed...we literally have nothing of value to insure. We saved our things for a few years, thinking it would just be a few more months before we could get back out on our own. Finally, the cost of the storage unit was adding up, and we needed the money, so we sold anything that could bring in the money. We kept a crib (which is ironic because all my babies have spent their days in pack and plays, except for Kalia, my oldest, who got to actually experience an actual crib, because she was born a little before these trials started. I think I was just holding on to the dream.) Now Aria has slept in a walk-in closet in a pack-n-play, just like her 3 sisters before her, and soon she will be crawling out of it and we'll have to move her into a toddler bed. Sometimes I mourn the fact that I will probably never decorate a cute "nursery" for any of my babies. No room. No money. Not in the cards for me.
We kept a king bed, the kids' clothes, and some dishes, and a piano that's not very nice, but still, I love to play it, even though it's been in our storage unit for the last year as well. We kept our food storage, because let's be honest. We've been on food stamps for most of the last five years, and so we used part of that money to build a storage. We kept our old, kind of ugly leather couch, because it's the most comfortable thing you'll ever lay your head on. It's currently in the missionaries apartment behind my in-laws house, because we couldn't even fit it anywhere else, including our 10x10 storage unit.
That's right. Everything we own in a 10 x 10 foot storage unit.
I tell myself (and honestly know it's true)- THINGS do not bring happiness. MONEY does not bring happiness. If I can't be happy now, with almost nothing, I will not be happy when I have everything I've wished for. Happiness comes from within, and so I've given everything I have to this cause: Be happy, as happy as you can be, now...no matter the circumstances. Life will never be magically easier. It will always be hard, there will always be trials to bring us to our knees.
And it usually works. I feel a peaceful contentment, most of the time, that our lives are completely being guided by a Heavenly Father who loves us and has a plan for us. Sometimes I might question WHY- and sometimes I even get a little angry, because I have moments like everyone else where I am just SO SICK of struggling. Sometimes I lose faith and instead of saying, "It's all for a wise purpose...someday we will know why". I start to say, "WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING US WHEN WE ARE TRYING TO HARD TO DO EVERYTHING YOUR WAY?"
The answer, of course, is that it's not a punishment. But it is a refinement. And I try not to listen to the mean voices in my head who want me to believe it's because I'm really selfish, or really proud, or really lazy, or whatever. I try not to listen, or believe that a six year trial must mean that in six years I haven't improved on the things I need to improve on.
But sometimes it gets discouraging. Today I was feeling oh so very discouraged.
I know I wrote about Samuel not passing his final semester of nursing school. Truly not the end of the world. It's not like he failed out all together. He just came up a few points short on the final exam, and if you don't have a high enough score, you repeat the entire semester. And that was supposed to be his last semester, and he was going to GRADUATE and we were going to MOVE OUT!!! (cue the choirs of angels singing).
I was already to the end of my rope when that happened (I thought). I had patiently tried to endure living in one of the hardest scenarios an introvert will ever have to face, and that is of course, living right in (and on top of) your in-laws. I know I am lucky to have the kindest in-laws possible, I have to say that because family drama gets started when people start judging me and my "less than grateful" moments. I hope all the judgy readers are gone. I took away their access. But anyway. I digress.
This last year has been hard for me. Understatement. This has pushed me to levels of depression and anxiety that I have never known before. Now let me also say, many days are totally fine, peaceful, happy, and I am actually GLAD I live here with my in-laws. I don't want to paint a picture that it's all bad. There's probably more good than bad days. But the bad ones are so bad, mostly because of the stress I feel living here. I can't even describe it. Many have gone before me and will understand. And I truly hope my in-laws never hear me say these words: I have never struggled with anything as much as I have with our living situation here. It's just too constant, every minute of every day, with almost no relief.
I couldn't believe I had survived til April, and that's when we got the bad news that he didn't pass...that he would have to repeat, and that he couldn't even get back on it until August, graduating in December, meaning EIGHT MORE MONTHS here. It was so painful to have my freedom RIGHT in front of me, only to have it ripped away so excruciatingly.
People must have been praying for me though, because I felt the burdens on my back lightened, and/or my back was strengthened, because for about 2 months it wasn't hard. Sam was able to get a summer job and get some valuable experience, and we felt good that part of the "reason" this had been part of the plan for us, was to give us the chance to save up money so that when we DID move out, we could go with a little something to start over with.
At this same time, Samuel decided to sell the motorcycle that he had been commuting on for the last few years, and find something else to drive, using the money from the motorcycle.
I was anxious about the process of getting a *different* vehicle, because there's always the chance that you'll get one with a bunch of problems. And when you have no money, and car problems suddenly surprise you...There's almost nothing I hate more than being poor and then having car problems. You are basically forced to go into debt to fix something that you wish you didn't have to. We had been spared this for the most part, and were extremely blessed with the Honda Pilot we got at an auction- never having even taken it for a test drive. But now we had to choose again.
Could we be so blessed and lucky twice in a row? We hoped so, after all, Heavenly Father knew we needed to be saving for other things like a home...or beds for the kids to sleep on. ETC. We met the nicest person ever (randomly...felt like divine design) who went to car auctions on the side, and offered to try to find us a good car at an amazing (wholesale) price. We were so excited.
This dragged on for weeks, with several deals and cars falling through. Finally, feeling like maybe we were barking up the wrong tree, we decided that maybe we would consider a truck that could seat all 6 of us. We had been praying and praying for a good vehicle for our family that would not need many repairs over the years. We prayed for things to fall into place.
And it seemed like that was going to happen. Within days of us switching to the "truck" idea, our friend went to the auction, and won us a 2005 Ford F-350 diesel truck, a $15,000 truck, and he got it for $5,700. HOLY COW!!! We were so excited and felt so blessed. We did NOT need a truck that big, we didn't really need the diesel, and we knew it would get terrible gas mileage, but hey, it must be another blessing from Heavenly Father. Right?
It was $2,000 more than we had from the motorcycle, but we had saved up enough, thanks to Sam working his butt off to pay for it. I remember picking it up and driving it home....and a HUGE pit formed in my stomach. It wasn't running right. It was struggling. Something with the engine. Was it the transmission? We took it to a good mechanic. And I started researching the problems on this vehicle...and there were (what seemed like) MILLIONS of complaints with this truck, specifically the diesel with the 6.0 engine. If you EVER see one, RUN. Biggest piece of crap that's ever been made. Ruined me from owning a FORD EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER.
There was probably at least $4,000 needed in repairs. After agonizing over what to do with this "gift" from Heavenly Father, FOR WEEKS, and going back and forth trying to decide if it would last forever (or not) once we did the repairs, and after many, many arguments with my spouse, if I'm being very honest, we finally decided to fix the biggest issues, and sell it.
So, with every last penny we had to our name, we paid that $1900 repair bill, the truck still not running perfectly and the "check engine" light STILL ON, but now we could only hope that we could sell the truck and at least make back what we had put into it. I was (and am still) petrified that the engine is gonna blow up, and we've already been told that's a $9,000 repair- and then we will have lost everything. I truly believe that Heavenly Father will NOT do that to us. If we can just get back what we've put into it, then it was really just as good as if it was a savings account, right?
It's been listed for a week without selling. We have dropped the price down to almost what we paid for it (plus the repair costs). I don't know what's going to happen. I am trying not to worry about it. I really didn't mean to tell that whole story here today.
I meant to tell what I learned today because of it.
I've been having trouble sleeping because of this truck problem, and I feel like I can't even DEAL with it anymore. It's eaten me alive and I have nothing left for it to take. I just want to be rid of it so bad. While I was driving along today, lost in thought, and trying not to cry, I just was like, "Heavenly Father! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS? I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO LEARN FROM EVERYTHING, BUT I HONESTLY CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT WHAT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO TEACH ME! IT HAS PUT AN UNREAL AMOUNT OF STRESS ON ME, SAMUEL, AND OUR MARRIAGE, WHHHHHYYYY DID YOU SEND US THIS TRUCK? BECAUSE WE CAN SEE NOW, IT'S CERTAINLY NOT TO KEEP IT, OR EVEN MAKE A PROFIT OFF IT."
That's what I was thinking, but no answer came.
At least not right away. But it was only a few hours before I got my answer. And I knew it.
I was laying by my girls in their fort in the front room. Why a fort in the front room? Oh, that's another story, but in a nutshell, the A/C just went out on half the house (the bedrooms) and it's too hot to sleep in them. August in Arizona- inlaws happen to be out of town. Repair man won't be here for two more days, making a total of 4 days without a/c in half the house. Anyway, that's nothing compared to a lot of other things. So back to my story.
They were falling asleep, and in an effort to stay awake, I started looking at some different blogs. I had stumbled onto one earlier this week, called Loving My Lot, or Loving our Lot, I can't even find it right now as I search for it. She is a Christian blogger and she is very inspiring.
I feel like her blog post was just for me. She talked about how hard it is to watch others prosper when we are suffering. And let's be honest- everyone suffers, and often privately, because we don't all share those things with others.
But I know about the struggle- with every fiber of my being- not to be jealous of my friends and acquaintances and their huge, magazine-worthy homes. Their brand new vehicles, under warranty. Their stylish clothes, and their manicured nails. Their trips to exotic places. It seems like I have been almost completely surrounded by people prospering, in the last 6 years that we have been struggling. We have not been around a lot of people who had no money or no job. We've been surrounded by affluence. I don't even know why, just part of the test I guess. I love these people. I am usually happy they can have those things, and know their trials are probably elsewhere. I also wish that someday I can experience those same luxuries some day.
But for the sake of utter and complete honesty, sometimes I'm not happy for them, and it makes me a little bit sick. I guess that's probably when I'm not feeling the spirit, or I'm feeling sorry for myself. But hey. It happens.
Tonight, as I read her blog though, she said that Suffering will ALWAYS make us more like Jesus Christ. He suffered everything, and so much worse than I will ever fathom. So if there is NO other purpose that we can see in suffering, we can find peace that God is turning us into a person that is more like Jesus Christ.
And so that was my answer. Not everything has a "lesson" per se, but if I am coming to know my Savior better, by knowing more of what suffering is, then that is enough for me. I know so many who are suffering so much more than I am, with illnesses, cancer, even their children, chronic pain, loneliness and heartbreaking infertility, and deaths of loved ones, even children and spouses (my worst nightmare) and horrific trials that I have not been dealt. I feel guilty for even putting myself in the same category as these people.
But maybe it's not about why we've been given the trials we have been given- because surely God knows that's what was needed- but it's about the struggle we go through as we walk a path of heartbreak and pain, finding moments or hours or maybe even weeks or months of happiness and joy along the way...
It might just be more than a lesson, but the shaping of a heart into something that it couldn't become any other way.
So I hope I can trust a little more, be a little more patient, find a way to calm the anxiety that surrounds me. It's just money...money can be replaced. I'd rather lose money than people.
Deep breath...pray...cry...and this too shall pass.
Aw, this earthly life experience.
Sometimes it's hard. But it will be okay.
Things I won't miss
The whining, crying, tired children during the Witching Hour. It's basically two straight hours of whining, crying, and screaming.
A loud shrieking baby. Kalia sounding like she's YELLING all the time.
Trying to clean up messes but not keeping up with the ones making them.
Swimming and having to hold one kid up while another hangs on me constantly
The disaster bedroom. Can't stay clean for 24 hours.
Having to sweep the floor 5 times a day.
Not being able to hear "silence" until they are all asleep.
Having three kids talking to me at once. Constantly.
Having all my expensive shampoo dumped out for their "bubble bath"
Picking up loose socks everywhere.
Trying to get them to go to sleep, knowing they are tired, but they aren't so sure.
Flooded bathroom after Every. Bath.
Changing the sheets from a bedwetter.
Listening to them whine about food they don't like, textures they don't like, smells they don't like.
Not having any help to keep things clean.
Finding poop sitting in the toilet.
Coming home from a date night to a messy house.
Going a looooong time without a date night.
A loud shrieking baby. Kalia sounding like she's YELLING all the time.
Trying to clean up messes but not keeping up with the ones making them.
Swimming and having to hold one kid up while another hangs on me constantly
The disaster bedroom. Can't stay clean for 24 hours.
Having to sweep the floor 5 times a day.
Not being able to hear "silence" until they are all asleep.
Having three kids talking to me at once. Constantly.
Having all my expensive shampoo dumped out for their "bubble bath"
Picking up loose socks everywhere.
Trying to get them to go to sleep, knowing they are tired, but they aren't so sure.
Flooded bathroom after Every. Bath.
Changing the sheets from a bedwetter.
Listening to them whine about food they don't like, textures they don't like, smells they don't like.
Not having any help to keep things clean.
Finding poop sitting in the toilet.
Coming home from a date night to a messy house.
Going a looooong time without a date night.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
July
It's so dang hot. This is the part of the year everybody dreads. It takes the car 20 minutes to actually cool down. My G's are always sweaty and sticking to me after coming inside, especially if I've been in a car. Sometimes we get a wonderful rainstorm and monsoon. That's the good part about July. But they don't happen much in August.
We are still swimming almost every day. Kalia has had some crazy weird reaction to something- possibly chemicals/chlorine from the pools. She swims with her eyes open. I hope it goes away with the steroid cream the Dr. prescribed.
School starts for the girls in 10 days. That sure went fast. I am looking forward to it. Kalia is excited. Annie is not.
Ella has almost completely snapped out of her difficult "transition" into being three. I'm so glad I get to see more of her sweet little self and not feel so frustrated by the crazy little self.
Aria is mostly down to just one nap a day. I think she's hungry a lot because she gets distracted playing with her food, and then wants to get down because everybody else is off doing stuff and she's bored without them. So she asks to get out, usually by signing "all done". She finally learned to say "Up" when she wants to be picked up or lifted up, and she signs please on her own when she wants something. She usually reaches towards what she wants, signs "drink" (it turned into a universal sign for want), and then immediately follows it with please. I was impressed that she is basically putting two signs together. She will be 15 months old in two days. She likes to say "Go-go" when she can see we are about to go somewhere, and she also says "nigh-nigh" when I tell her it's bedtime. She still gets occasional red/sunburn looking rashes (super painful) randomly and I'm still sometimes surprised when they show up, I have to think back to what I fed her that I thought was okay that actually probably wasn't. Chicken and beans and strawberries are three things that I'm pretty sure cause a rash pretty quickly. And of course, she's still on goat milk, and drinks a TON of it, a bottle when she wakes up, one before the nap, and one before bed, and sometimes another bottle thrown in there during another part of the day if she is being fussy and doesn't want to eat much. Like my other babies who had allergies, the milk is still providing the majority of fat and calories for her at this age.
We are still swimming almost every day. Kalia has had some crazy weird reaction to something- possibly chemicals/chlorine from the pools. She swims with her eyes open. I hope it goes away with the steroid cream the Dr. prescribed.
School starts for the girls in 10 days. That sure went fast. I am looking forward to it. Kalia is excited. Annie is not.
Ella has almost completely snapped out of her difficult "transition" into being three. I'm so glad I get to see more of her sweet little self and not feel so frustrated by the crazy little self.
Aria is mostly down to just one nap a day. I think she's hungry a lot because she gets distracted playing with her food, and then wants to get down because everybody else is off doing stuff and she's bored without them. So she asks to get out, usually by signing "all done". She finally learned to say "Up" when she wants to be picked up or lifted up, and she signs please on her own when she wants something. She usually reaches towards what she wants, signs "drink" (it turned into a universal sign for want), and then immediately follows it with please. I was impressed that she is basically putting two signs together. She will be 15 months old in two days. She likes to say "Go-go" when she can see we are about to go somewhere, and she also says "nigh-nigh" when I tell her it's bedtime. She still gets occasional red/sunburn looking rashes (super painful) randomly and I'm still sometimes surprised when they show up, I have to think back to what I fed her that I thought was okay that actually probably wasn't. Chicken and beans and strawberries are three things that I'm pretty sure cause a rash pretty quickly. And of course, she's still on goat milk, and drinks a TON of it, a bottle when she wakes up, one before the nap, and one before bed, and sometimes another bottle thrown in there during another part of the day if she is being fussy and doesn't want to eat much. Like my other babies who had allergies, the milk is still providing the majority of fat and calories for her at this age.
Sunday, June 08, 2014
Ella
So something weird happened when Ella turned three. It should not have surprised me. I distinctly remember this happening with Annie as well. Actually, I DON'T remember it happening, but I DO remembering putting something about facebook about the Terrible 3's being worse than any terrible 2, and lots of people were agreeing heartily. Then life goes on and the kid grows out of it, and I forget. 3 year olds are hard. (Maybe it's one or the other? If they are an easy 2, watch out a 3! If they are a difficult 2, maybe an easier 3?) I'm not sure. I just don't remember the twos being very hard for my girls.
Anyway, Ella gave up naps around 2 years old. Actually, once they started keeping her awake until 11 p.m. at night, I took them away and started putting her to bed really early. That has proven to be a little tricky because now that I have 4 kids, getting one to bed earlier than another takes a small miracle. Especially because they all share a room. And a bed.
Ella has started throwing fits all the time. Right after she turned three, she had several incredibly loud full-on screaming and writhing type of tantrums. I would just walk away (far away, so it wasn't piercing my ears) and let her cry until she was exhausted. She could go at least 15 minutes. One time, after she was finished, she came out quite happy. I casually asked why she had been "crying". She said matter of factly, "Because I didn't want you to use the bathroom."
OKAAAAAAAY.
I have trained everyone in this house to never give in to her EVER when she acts like that. She is FINALLY catching on, that if she will calm herself down, and ask very sweetly, "Please may I have...." then she will get almost anything. Her sisters even have to give up stuff that they are using (if she was using it first and then put it down and forgot about it), as a reward for her behaving like this. It really doesn't happen THAT often, but they are good and try not to complain too much. I also try to find Ella an alternative to what she wants if someone else already has it, to teach her how to be patient, and wait until someone is done.
She still whines a lot and I just tell her over and over that I can't understand her when she talks like that. I have to say it about 10 times before she finally catches on that she needs to change the ways she's talking. Kalia and Annie don't always realize what I'm doing, and try to jump in and translate. Hahaha!
Since the girls got out of school 2 weeks ago, she is doing better. She likes having her sisters around. They are good girls and don't have too much trouble playing nicely together. Ella can be mean though- she scratched Kalia's face once about 2 months ago, and there is still a huge scar down her cheek that we are trying to get to go away. Kalia's skin doesn't heal fast anyway (poor diet probably) but it just reminds me of my little sister Tara, who also had to be tough, being a 3rd child, and who left many scars on my face as well.
Ella has had some anxiety problems as well. She got really jumpy at about 2.5 years old, about normal things though, like random sounds when she was trying to go to sleep at night. Then she was fine for a while. And then around 3 years old (and probably being exposed to some cartoons for older kids, thanks to Netflix), it really got crazy. It was quite windy here for a few weeks, and these huge trees in the backyard were always swaying and the leaves rustling. This set her off really bad. She totally freaked out about having the door open or going outside. She would NOT go outside for like two weeks (to the backyard), although she would happily go outside anywhere else without much problem. It was not logical at all. She was scared of wind in general and didn't like large clouds either. When she heard someone in general conference mention a tornado (and they showed some pictures) she could talk of nothing else all day but the "tornado storm."
Then one day (the Wednesday before Mother's Day) we went into the dollar store to get some greeting cards. They were totally geared up for Mother's day, and had hundreds of Mother's Day mylar balloons all over their ceiling. The a/c was blowing, and making them jiggle around and sort of dance. This triggered her fear and she shrieked and BOLTED out of the store before I could even catch her, right into the parking lot, where thank goodness there were no cars to hit her.
I have been worried about her. I looked some stuff up online and talked to a few friends. I learned that anxiety can be considered "normal" at this age, because they can't yet distinguish fantasy from reality. (Although it doesn't feel normal to me because my first two kids didn't ever do anything like this.) I learned that physical activity that will get her blood pumping may help her stabilize when she has having a bit of an attack. And I talked to her pediatrician about it who also called it pretty "normal" and he also told me we will keep an eye on it.
I have had some success by trying to teach her some logical explanations for what was going on. I got on YouTube and found some sped-up clips of clouds moving through the sky, and I taught her that the wind is trying to move the clouds around so that they could drop rain on whoever needed it. I taught her that the wind was making the trees dance and say hello (she liked this explanation.) And I later explained why the balloons were moving all over the ceiling of the dollar store.
Now she seems to be over those fears. She still talks about rain and rain clouds and a few times when we'd run errands, she'd ask me if there would be balloons where we were going. We have been back to the dollar store since, and there were only like, 2 balloons floating around, and she was fine.
She did just get stung by a bee this last week, and has had heightened anxiety since then, worried that something "is on her" like a bee or an ant. I think we will battle this to some degree throughout her life, and I just hope it's not too severe. It does tend to run in my family.
On a positive note- she says the cutest things sometimes and makes me laugh. She says "remember" as "be-member" and I will miss it forever when it stops. She also came to love olives at the same time that Frozen came out- with the Snowman OLAF- and she can't say olive at all because of it. She asks me to open a can of Olafs and she puts them on her fingers and says, look at all my olafs! Her sisters really tried to get her to say it right, and were like, "Say OL.....- IV" breaking up the word for her. She still couldn't do it. Kalia finally gave in and said, "She'll get it someday.....like when she's 16!" haha, love it. Here's a few other things Ella has said over the last few months that I wrote down.
Ella: "Mom, there's flies in the kitchen!!! Where's the pink smacking thing?"
(fly swatter)
(From watching Frozen when Olaf says, "my own personal flurry"--
One day I gave her some meatballs and she said, "That's my personal meat. And you're my personal meat mama." I laughed and said, "you're funny". And she added, "AND cute."
I said to Ella one day, "I'm pooped!!" "You pooped?" she asked. "No, I'm pooped! That means in tired." "You're fired?" "Uh, yeah. I'm fired. What does that mean?" "It means you're camping."
I was singing along to "Happy" in the car when Ella said behind me. "will you stop singing?" "Uh...sure." (pause...) then she says to herself, "I feel better now."
Ella, in the bathtub: "I feel all watery."
Ella, one morning, sees daddy, then came to find me and said, "Oh, that Daddy. He's such a wonderful guy."
Anything I do something nice to/for Ella, she rewards me with a compliment. "you're so adorable."
Ella, playing with my freshly washed/flat-ironed hair, with dark roots growing out.
"Your hair is black. Like a rain cloud."
Ella in the car: "I burp-did (burped) Like Yakko."
We
drove by a piece of land with hundreds of red and blue tiny flags
(marking where underground cables were). Ella said, "look! A flag
nation!"
Ella in nursery, "Mom! There's a boyfriend over here! You need to shoo him away!"
I said to Ella, "I need to find a recipe. Do you know what a recipe is?" "Yeah, it's when you get balloons and a big flagger nation."
and one more, from Kalia:
Annie was complaining that her throat hurt, so I told her we better have her take a vitamin to help. Kalia pipes up, "Which one, A or D?" She clearly knew a few things about vitamins thanks to her whole milk.
Anyway, Ella gave up naps around 2 years old. Actually, once they started keeping her awake until 11 p.m. at night, I took them away and started putting her to bed really early. That has proven to be a little tricky because now that I have 4 kids, getting one to bed earlier than another takes a small miracle. Especially because they all share a room. And a bed.
Ella has started throwing fits all the time. Right after she turned three, she had several incredibly loud full-on screaming and writhing type of tantrums. I would just walk away (far away, so it wasn't piercing my ears) and let her cry until she was exhausted. She could go at least 15 minutes. One time, after she was finished, she came out quite happy. I casually asked why she had been "crying". She said matter of factly, "Because I didn't want you to use the bathroom."
OKAAAAAAAY.
I have trained everyone in this house to never give in to her EVER when she acts like that. She is FINALLY catching on, that if she will calm herself down, and ask very sweetly, "Please may I have...." then she will get almost anything. Her sisters even have to give up stuff that they are using (if she was using it first and then put it down and forgot about it), as a reward for her behaving like this. It really doesn't happen THAT often, but they are good and try not to complain too much. I also try to find Ella an alternative to what she wants if someone else already has it, to teach her how to be patient, and wait until someone is done.
She still whines a lot and I just tell her over and over that I can't understand her when she talks like that. I have to say it about 10 times before she finally catches on that she needs to change the ways she's talking. Kalia and Annie don't always realize what I'm doing, and try to jump in and translate. Hahaha!
Since the girls got out of school 2 weeks ago, she is doing better. She likes having her sisters around. They are good girls and don't have too much trouble playing nicely together. Ella can be mean though- she scratched Kalia's face once about 2 months ago, and there is still a huge scar down her cheek that we are trying to get to go away. Kalia's skin doesn't heal fast anyway (poor diet probably) but it just reminds me of my little sister Tara, who also had to be tough, being a 3rd child, and who left many scars on my face as well.
Ella has had some anxiety problems as well. She got really jumpy at about 2.5 years old, about normal things though, like random sounds when she was trying to go to sleep at night. Then she was fine for a while. And then around 3 years old (and probably being exposed to some cartoons for older kids, thanks to Netflix), it really got crazy. It was quite windy here for a few weeks, and these huge trees in the backyard were always swaying and the leaves rustling. This set her off really bad. She totally freaked out about having the door open or going outside. She would NOT go outside for like two weeks (to the backyard), although she would happily go outside anywhere else without much problem. It was not logical at all. She was scared of wind in general and didn't like large clouds either. When she heard someone in general conference mention a tornado (and they showed some pictures) she could talk of nothing else all day but the "tornado storm."
Then one day (the Wednesday before Mother's Day) we went into the dollar store to get some greeting cards. They were totally geared up for Mother's day, and had hundreds of Mother's Day mylar balloons all over their ceiling. The a/c was blowing, and making them jiggle around and sort of dance. This triggered her fear and she shrieked and BOLTED out of the store before I could even catch her, right into the parking lot, where thank goodness there were no cars to hit her.
I have been worried about her. I looked some stuff up online and talked to a few friends. I learned that anxiety can be considered "normal" at this age, because they can't yet distinguish fantasy from reality. (Although it doesn't feel normal to me because my first two kids didn't ever do anything like this.) I learned that physical activity that will get her blood pumping may help her stabilize when she has having a bit of an attack. And I talked to her pediatrician about it who also called it pretty "normal" and he also told me we will keep an eye on it.
I have had some success by trying to teach her some logical explanations for what was going on. I got on YouTube and found some sped-up clips of clouds moving through the sky, and I taught her that the wind is trying to move the clouds around so that they could drop rain on whoever needed it. I taught her that the wind was making the trees dance and say hello (she liked this explanation.) And I later explained why the balloons were moving all over the ceiling of the dollar store.
Now she seems to be over those fears. She still talks about rain and rain clouds and a few times when we'd run errands, she'd ask me if there would be balloons where we were going. We have been back to the dollar store since, and there were only like, 2 balloons floating around, and she was fine.
She did just get stung by a bee this last week, and has had heightened anxiety since then, worried that something "is on her" like a bee or an ant. I think we will battle this to some degree throughout her life, and I just hope it's not too severe. It does tend to run in my family.
On a positive note- she says the cutest things sometimes and makes me laugh. She says "remember" as "be-member" and I will miss it forever when it stops. She also came to love olives at the same time that Frozen came out- with the Snowman OLAF- and she can't say olive at all because of it. She asks me to open a can of Olafs and she puts them on her fingers and says, look at all my olafs! Her sisters really tried to get her to say it right, and were like, "Say OL.....- IV" breaking up the word for her. She still couldn't do it. Kalia finally gave in and said, "She'll get it someday.....like when she's 16!" haha, love it. Here's a few other things Ella has said over the last few months that I wrote down.
Ella: "Mom, there's flies in the kitchen!!! Where's the pink smacking thing?"
(fly swatter)
(From watching Frozen when Olaf says, "my own personal flurry"--
One day I gave her some meatballs and she said, "That's my personal meat. And you're my personal meat mama." I laughed and said, "you're funny". And she added, "AND cute."
I said to Ella one day, "I'm pooped!!" "You pooped?" she asked. "No, I'm pooped! That means in tired." "You're fired?" "Uh, yeah. I'm fired. What does that mean?" "It means you're camping."
I was singing along to "Happy" in the car when Ella said behind me. "will you stop singing?" "Uh...sure." (pause...) then she says to herself, "I feel better now."
Ella, in the bathtub: "I feel all watery."
Ella, one morning, sees daddy, then came to find me and said, "Oh, that Daddy. He's such a wonderful guy."
Anything I do something nice to/for Ella, she rewards me with a compliment. "you're so adorable."
Ella, playing with my freshly washed/flat-ironed hair, with dark roots growing out.
"Your hair is black. Like a rain cloud."
Ella in the car: "I burp-did (burped) Like Yakko."
Ella in nursery, "Mom! There's a boyfriend over here! You need to shoo him away!"
I said to Ella, "I need to find a recipe. Do you know what a recipe is?" "Yeah, it's when you get balloons and a big flagger nation."
and one more, from Kalia:
Annie was complaining that her throat hurt, so I told her we better have her take a vitamin to help. Kalia pipes up, "Which one, A or D?" She clearly knew a few things about vitamins thanks to her whole milk.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Check Up Stats
Ella's 3-year-old check up:
Weight: 34 lbs 8 oz, 75-90%
Height: 38.5", 75%
BMI: 16.4 70%
Aria's 1-year-old check up:
Weight: 21 lbs 6 oz, 50%
Height: 30.5" 75-90%
Head: 46 cm
Weight: 34 lbs 8 oz, 75-90%
Height: 38.5", 75%
BMI: 16.4 70%
Aria's 1-year-old check up:
Weight: 21 lbs 6 oz, 50%
Height: 30.5" 75-90%
Head: 46 cm
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
April Update
Well, some things have happened around here. Samuel was supposed to graduate from nursing school in a few weeks. He has studied a LOT in this final semester (like probably about 40 hours a week). There is only one class, and it covered neurology, psychology, and med-surg. Oh, and there were two teachers- one nice one, and one super cranky one. He can retain information AMAZINGLY. If you start asking him medical stuff, he tells you stuff way over your head (not on purpose.) He is so smart, and he assumed that if he just studied his textbooks incessantly, that he would not have a problem passing the exams. This proved to be a fatal mistake. All the studying and memorizing did not do him a whole lot of good, because he has not figured out HOW they TEST. It is NOT as simple as it is for regular classes (like things I took in college.) There is not only ONE right answer. There are usually multiple answers, and you have to be able to say which ones are the most important of all the right ones, without selecting any right ones. And it is kind of subjective, and Samuel has the trait of over-analyzing. He could talk himself right out of most of the right answers, based on other information he had studied that may or may not apply.
Long story short, he was 9 points shy of having a passing grade (on exams alone- other things didn't contribute to this grade) ( which by the way, needed to be a mid-C) to pass this final semester. It was a devastating blow to both of us. As he has struggled throughout this semester, only with the exams, we have prayed and fasted a lot, and also asked our parents to do the same. He still wasn't getting the results he needed. Finally, my mom, the woman of faith that she is, suggested that if we just got MORE people praying, then maybe we could bring about the miracle we needed- and if it DIDN'T happen, then we would know for sure that God had a very good reason and a different plan than what we had planned out.
Well, it's been two weeks now since he took the exam and we got the results. We've had a lot of people really reach out in love and support to us, and man, it has meant the world. We aren't sure exactly what happens next, we will know for sure by mid-May. He will repeat the semester, and if he's really lucky (blessed?) he will be able to get a coveted spot in the summer semester, which would have him graduating in July. If that doesn't happen, it will be December.
I had to come to grips with the fact that I was not going to be moving into my own place just yet. I felt like I was at the end of my rope with how much I could handle with living here. Not because I'm not getting along with my in-laws, but mostly because the constant stress and worry that I experience while living in these close-quarters with next-to-no privacy, it has really worn me down, and really made me feel quite anxious and irritable, and I was desperately hanging on for MAY- when he would be an RN and could get a job and we could finally FInally FINALLY get back to living a normal life, after all these years. You know, the kind that involves steady income.
When we didn't get what we wanted, it caused us to take a GOOD HARD look at areas of our life that might still need refining- areas that God probably wanted to to take notice of, and improve on. It was obvious to me what I needed to work on. It's the same things- easy, basic, seminary answers, that I've needed to work on since I started having kids one after the other, and entered into Survival Mode- something that, it turns out, is kind of hard to get out of. I'm working on it now. I really want to start functioning at a higher level, and make God the most important thing in my life, even above my own family. Because He gives me everything I have, and He will make me a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend, by getting into alignment with His Ways- and His Will.
At first I didn't know how I could handle any more time here. The sheer amount of people who come through this house, because of my very social and kind in-laws, has been one thing that has caused me the most stress. My kids and their messes are everywhere. People drop by and surprise us all the time. The bathroom that the six of us share is the "guest bath"- so anyone who might need to use the restroom while they are here, gets to see how well I am keeping it clean. And with six people sharing it (four of them tiny and messy), it usually looks bad.
Well, I am trying not to dwell on the hard things. I've finally accepted that we are not leaving just yet, so I need to dwell more on all the things I will miss when I'm gone. So I started taking a few pictures of things when I thought of them.
I will miss how my in-laws, and especially my father-in-law, love to help with the baby. My sweet F.I.L. is constantly helping with her, picking her up and carrying her around, and outside to do yardwork with him, or just to the bedroom to play with Grandma, who absolutely adores her. (Aria really cheers her up too, which is needed as she is losing her vision due to health problems.)
I will miss this incredible garden that has been feeding us squash and zucchini, tender broccoli, (soon-to-be) tomatoes, green onions, and even artichokes. I will miss the fresh herbs growing out back- basil, cilantro, and mint. How NICE is it to just go trim a little cilantro when you need it? I never have that on hand when I need it.
I will miss this huge backyard. My kids love it. I love it. I love the big covered porch and the cute playhouse, and the big trampoline, and the privacy of the walls, and the grass. And I will miss the CITRUS trees!! I've been juicing all the fruit and we're drinking the amazing, delicious, juice.
I will miss how we can just put the kids to bed, and then slip out somewhere if we need to. Tonight we went on a mini-date, and Sam took me on his motorcycle, and we got frozen yogurt, and returned books to the library.
I will miss how I can usually leave a sleeping baby home with someone, because I have to go pick up kids from school.
I will miss how my in-laws say, "We're going to Costco. Can we take the girls?"
I will miss my M.I.L's huge bathtub.
I will miss my lazy mornings just hanging out with my girls- because I don't have much to clean here. I only have to keep ONE bathroom clean. ONE!!!
I will miss having my father-in-law pick up after us. That sounds bad, but he does it often, before we can get to it, and he always does it cheerfully, and is happy to help. These things lighten my (physical) load, even though my emotional load has been heavier.
I will miss our babysitters- we can go out to dinner with friends, and then go to a late movie (or two!) and stay out as late as we want, because we don't have to pay a babysitter, and they can also just go to bed when they're tired.
I'll miss having DVR and a huge flat screen TV.
I'll miss all her cool kitchen gadgets. A Bosch mixer, a waffle iron, endless baking dishes and pots and pans and popcorn makers etc. I don't have stuff like that at the moment.
I'll miss the ward we are in. The people are such salt-of-the earth, good, happy, people.
I'll miss how we always had a second priesthood holder here, to assist immediately in priesthood blessings when one of our children fell ill.
I'll miss the neighbors and the fresh eggs they give me. I'll miss the dairy down the street that sells me raw milk. (only $10 a gallon. GASP! I've only bought it once. I might put Aria on it though.)
I'll miss the safety I feel every night when they lock up all the gates on the doors (and there's locked bars on the windows too). Ain'T NOBODY gettin' in here. If there was an emergency, we'd be lucky to get out.
I'll miss how, on Sundays when lots of family comes over for dinner, that I can just put my kids to bed whenever I feel like it, rather than feeling like I have to keep them up late because dinner got started so late.
Wow! Look how long my list is! This has been good therapy. Anyone reading this might wonder how I could want to leave. haha! My kids have absolutely loved it here. My husband has loved having his parents around (for social reasons.) His only struggle has been to see me struggle. But anyway, we are meant to leave our parents and cleave to each other, and so soon we will be able to move on. I hope, if anything, this has taught us how to be on each other's team. It's kind of important, and it takes work sometimes.
Well, there's one more piece of good news, I almost forgot. Yesterday Samuel was offered a really great job as an LPN, at a prison in Florence (about 40 minutes away.) It will be full-time for now. He has had a hard time getting any LPN job and yet this one is probably the highest paying one he could get. It's the beginning of a new life for us. We will stay here probably throughout the summer while he works, and he will continue to work (at least 1 day a week- full time is 36 hours a week, 3 x 12 hour shifts), and if he can manage working full-time and repeating a full-time semester, then we will save up a bit, and then move into our very own RENTAL HOUSE. I almost can't remember what it's like to have a budget, pay bills, and have a cleaning schedule.
I don't know where we'll go. The further from the "city" that we go, the cheaper the housing gets. We will pray about it.
And that's all for now.
Long story short, he was 9 points shy of having a passing grade (on exams alone- other things didn't contribute to this grade) ( which by the way, needed to be a mid-C) to pass this final semester. It was a devastating blow to both of us. As he has struggled throughout this semester, only with the exams, we have prayed and fasted a lot, and also asked our parents to do the same. He still wasn't getting the results he needed. Finally, my mom, the woman of faith that she is, suggested that if we just got MORE people praying, then maybe we could bring about the miracle we needed- and if it DIDN'T happen, then we would know for sure that God had a very good reason and a different plan than what we had planned out.
Well, it's been two weeks now since he took the exam and we got the results. We've had a lot of people really reach out in love and support to us, and man, it has meant the world. We aren't sure exactly what happens next, we will know for sure by mid-May. He will repeat the semester, and if he's really lucky (blessed?) he will be able to get a coveted spot in the summer semester, which would have him graduating in July. If that doesn't happen, it will be December.
I had to come to grips with the fact that I was not going to be moving into my own place just yet. I felt like I was at the end of my rope with how much I could handle with living here. Not because I'm not getting along with my in-laws, but mostly because the constant stress and worry that I experience while living in these close-quarters with next-to-no privacy, it has really worn me down, and really made me feel quite anxious and irritable, and I was desperately hanging on for MAY- when he would be an RN and could get a job and we could finally FInally FINALLY get back to living a normal life, after all these years. You know, the kind that involves steady income.
When we didn't get what we wanted, it caused us to take a GOOD HARD look at areas of our life that might still need refining- areas that God probably wanted to to take notice of, and improve on. It was obvious to me what I needed to work on. It's the same things- easy, basic, seminary answers, that I've needed to work on since I started having kids one after the other, and entered into Survival Mode- something that, it turns out, is kind of hard to get out of. I'm working on it now. I really want to start functioning at a higher level, and make God the most important thing in my life, even above my own family. Because He gives me everything I have, and He will make me a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend, by getting into alignment with His Ways- and His Will.
At first I didn't know how I could handle any more time here. The sheer amount of people who come through this house, because of my very social and kind in-laws, has been one thing that has caused me the most stress. My kids and their messes are everywhere. People drop by and surprise us all the time. The bathroom that the six of us share is the "guest bath"- so anyone who might need to use the restroom while they are here, gets to see how well I am keeping it clean. And with six people sharing it (four of them tiny and messy), it usually looks bad.
Well, I am trying not to dwell on the hard things. I've finally accepted that we are not leaving just yet, so I need to dwell more on all the things I will miss when I'm gone. So I started taking a few pictures of things when I thought of them.
I will miss how my in-laws, and especially my father-in-law, love to help with the baby. My sweet F.I.L. is constantly helping with her, picking her up and carrying her around, and outside to do yardwork with him, or just to the bedroom to play with Grandma, who absolutely adores her. (Aria really cheers her up too, which is needed as she is losing her vision due to health problems.)
I will miss this incredible garden that has been feeding us squash and zucchini, tender broccoli, (soon-to-be) tomatoes, green onions, and even artichokes. I will miss the fresh herbs growing out back- basil, cilantro, and mint. How NICE is it to just go trim a little cilantro when you need it? I never have that on hand when I need it.
I will miss this huge backyard. My kids love it. I love it. I love the big covered porch and the cute playhouse, and the big trampoline, and the privacy of the walls, and the grass. And I will miss the CITRUS trees!! I've been juicing all the fruit and we're drinking the amazing, delicious, juice.
I will miss how we can just put the kids to bed, and then slip out somewhere if we need to. Tonight we went on a mini-date, and Sam took me on his motorcycle, and we got frozen yogurt, and returned books to the library.
I will miss how I can usually leave a sleeping baby home with someone, because I have to go pick up kids from school.
I will miss how my in-laws say, "We're going to Costco. Can we take the girls?"
I will miss my M.I.L's huge bathtub.
I will miss my lazy mornings just hanging out with my girls- because I don't have much to clean here. I only have to keep ONE bathroom clean. ONE!!!
I will miss having my father-in-law pick up after us. That sounds bad, but he does it often, before we can get to it, and he always does it cheerfully, and is happy to help. These things lighten my (physical) load, even though my emotional load has been heavier.
I will miss our babysitters- we can go out to dinner with friends, and then go to a late movie (or two!) and stay out as late as we want, because we don't have to pay a babysitter, and they can also just go to bed when they're tired.
I'll miss having DVR and a huge flat screen TV.
I'll miss all her cool kitchen gadgets. A Bosch mixer, a waffle iron, endless baking dishes and pots and pans and popcorn makers etc. I don't have stuff like that at the moment.
I'll miss the ward we are in. The people are such salt-of-the earth, good, happy, people.
I'll miss how we always had a second priesthood holder here, to assist immediately in priesthood blessings when one of our children fell ill.
I'll miss the neighbors and the fresh eggs they give me. I'll miss the dairy down the street that sells me raw milk. (only $10 a gallon. GASP! I've only bought it once. I might put Aria on it though.)
I'll miss the safety I feel every night when they lock up all the gates on the doors (and there's locked bars on the windows too). Ain'T NOBODY gettin' in here. If there was an emergency, we'd be lucky to get out.
I'll miss how, on Sundays when lots of family comes over for dinner, that I can just put my kids to bed whenever I feel like it, rather than feeling like I have to keep them up late because dinner got started so late.
Wow! Look how long my list is! This has been good therapy. Anyone reading this might wonder how I could want to leave. haha! My kids have absolutely loved it here. My husband has loved having his parents around (for social reasons.) His only struggle has been to see me struggle. But anyway, we are meant to leave our parents and cleave to each other, and so soon we will be able to move on. I hope, if anything, this has taught us how to be on each other's team. It's kind of important, and it takes work sometimes.
Well, there's one more piece of good news, I almost forgot. Yesterday Samuel was offered a really great job as an LPN, at a prison in Florence (about 40 minutes away.) It will be full-time for now. He has had a hard time getting any LPN job and yet this one is probably the highest paying one he could get. It's the beginning of a new life for us. We will stay here probably throughout the summer while he works, and he will continue to work (at least 1 day a week- full time is 36 hours a week, 3 x 12 hour shifts), and if he can manage working full-time and repeating a full-time semester, then we will save up a bit, and then move into our very own RENTAL HOUSE. I almost can't remember what it's like to have a budget, pay bills, and have a cleaning schedule.
I don't know where we'll go. The further from the "city" that we go, the cheaper the housing gets. We will pray about it.
And that's all for now.
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