Well, how do I say this. I don't want to do that "other blog" I mentioned in my last post. THIS blog is close to my heart. THIS blog is the one that will be published into my Blurb book. THIS one needs to continue on. The other one, well, it might get a few posts now and then, and that's important because I did already take a few people off of this blog and add them to that one. But after reading all your comments and #1, realizing that there ARE still people in the world who read blogs, and #2, there ARE people who LIKE the openness, honesty, and candor of a blogger like me...well, it just made me feel sad to think about changing it all up. I don't like to pretend my life is perfect. In fact, I'd rather talk about how I learn to be happy, despite the struggles of life and despite the LACK of perfection in my life.
Thank you so much for the comments, especially the ones who told me they have appreciated some of the personal or spiritual things I've shared in the past. Basically it made it an easy choice to keep things how they are. I have learned from my past mistakes, that's for sure, but I just can't bring myself to end it all as a result.
So I do apologize for saying I was going to do something and then not doing it- I promise it wasn't my intention, but it is nice to know what readers are left, and I am going to do a good thorough housecleaning of people who just added on years ago when Kalia went through that major hospitalization and all those surgeries- they wanted updates, now they have forgotten all about the blog.
I guess I'm rambling. Thanks for sticking with me. I'll try to make it worth your while.
:)
Monday, February 18, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Just a good Saturday...
A few months after Ella was born, I wrote down as many details as I could remember about "A 24-hour day in my life" at the time. It was crazy and I'm glad I recorded it- that "Survival Mode" that you have to go into when you add a new child to the family.
Things have calmed down a lot since then. Ella will be two in SIX weeks! My newborn should be here in TEN weeks! YOWSER. I am flipping in and out of being excited and terrified- terrified not of the birth (a littler nervous about that, as the plan is to not have an epidural again) but really scared about how well I will be able to handle four children. Ages 5 and under.
The thing about me is that I am okay with "Survival Mode"- in fact, sometimes I fall into it and don't know how to get out of it. I know that my family will survive if the house isn't very clean, and surviving on chicken nuggets and Mac and Cheese and cereal. I know it's not the end of the world if I have to go to the store with no makeup on, and probably with a hat on because I haven't washed my hair for a week. I have to be careful to not stay in survival mode too long-- but emotional balance is important- so don't "run faster than you have strength."
I do get frustrated when the house is messy, nd my mood is much, much better when everything is clean, but I've also chosen to accept that I can't keep it spotless right now, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'll have to be happy with "occasionally pretty clean." I guess I walk a thin line of "doing the best I can" and "being okay" with not being perfect, awesome, exceptional, or wonderful at cleaning, organizing, meal preparation, etc. I feel like the things I am teaching my children and the time I spend with them is my absolute #1 priority, so if the other things have to give, so be it. (Although, sidenote, I am really focusing on ways to improve during these last 10 weeks of "normal life". Dinner menu planning...in the works...and other ideas.) But mostly, If I'm going to only be good at one thing, I want it to be that I am a really good mother to my daughters, and I can be proud of it when I see the investment paying off.
Last Saturday was just a good day. I didn't get much cleaning done. I DID manage to supervise Kalia and Annie as they cleaned their bedroom (they won't/can't do it on their own...yet) and they put away all the laundry I'd been folding all week. Once that was done, I put Ella down for a nap, left her with Samuel, and took the older girls to a park. We stayed at the park for THREE hours! It was the most perfect, beautiful day ever. I've decided that February in Arizona is about as good as it gets. It was warm and sunny and 73 degrees with a breeze. After awhile, Samuel stopped by and dropped off Ella, where she happily played with her sisters and their "new friends" for almost two more hours. So we were at the park all afternoon (although we did have to run home once to get Ella a clean diaper and let Annie use the bathroom.) But I just felt so calm and happy and serene, really. It warmed my heart to see my girls getting along so well with each other and with new friends. They were so happy. I felt joy.
I had nothing planned for dinner (as usual...a weak area of mine) and the nice lady who lives upstairs offered to cook spaghetti for everyone. What a tender mercy. The girls got to play outside in the backyard, climbing the tree and jumping on the trampoline for another hour until it was ready, and then we all scarfed it down. Samuel had left to help his parents with something, so it was up to me to get them all to bed. I bathed them and washed their hair, full of sand, and read them a few stories. Then, because we have a king bed in their bedroom, and because I was feeling pretty pooped, I laid down by them to get them to fall asleep. It usually goes like this: Ella likes to snuggle up super close to me, her head facing in to my chest. I LOVE that she does this, because I can smell her hair- I paid a few extra bucks for this Johnson's baby shampoo because the scent is my absolute favorite. Then Annie likes to snuggle as close up to my back as she can get, and Kalia, who has to be the oldest and bravest and sometimes cries that she doesn't get to be next to mommy, scooted so close to Annie that I could easily reach over and hold her hand while we all fell asleep.
That is true happiness for me. Loving them so much, and having them love me back so much that they literally cannot get close enough to me when we are falling asleep at night.
A few nights earlier during a similar bedtime routine, I was laying on my side, and baby girl was kicking like crazy. So Kalia and Annie put their hands on my stomach and were laughing hysterically every time they felt movement. It was a magical moment.
And then there are also those moments when I leave them to fall asleep on their own, which works out pretty good, except when Ella is hyper and wants to giggle with Kalia. But I went to check on them one night before I went to bed, and I found them like this:
Life is good.
Things have calmed down a lot since then. Ella will be two in SIX weeks! My newborn should be here in TEN weeks! YOWSER. I am flipping in and out of being excited and terrified- terrified not of the birth (a littler nervous about that, as the plan is to not have an epidural again) but really scared about how well I will be able to handle four children. Ages 5 and under.
The thing about me is that I am okay with "Survival Mode"- in fact, sometimes I fall into it and don't know how to get out of it. I know that my family will survive if the house isn't very clean, and surviving on chicken nuggets and Mac and Cheese and cereal. I know it's not the end of the world if I have to go to the store with no makeup on, and probably with a hat on because I haven't washed my hair for a week. I have to be careful to not stay in survival mode too long-- but emotional balance is important- so don't "run faster than you have strength."
I do get frustrated when the house is messy, nd my mood is much, much better when everything is clean, but I've also chosen to accept that I can't keep it spotless right now, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'll have to be happy with "occasionally pretty clean." I guess I walk a thin line of "doing the best I can" and "being okay" with not being perfect, awesome, exceptional, or wonderful at cleaning, organizing, meal preparation, etc. I feel like the things I am teaching my children and the time I spend with them is my absolute #1 priority, so if the other things have to give, so be it. (Although, sidenote, I am really focusing on ways to improve during these last 10 weeks of "normal life". Dinner menu planning...in the works...and other ideas.) But mostly, If I'm going to only be good at one thing, I want it to be that I am a really good mother to my daughters, and I can be proud of it when I see the investment paying off.
Last Saturday was just a good day. I didn't get much cleaning done. I DID manage to supervise Kalia and Annie as they cleaned their bedroom (they won't/can't do it on their own...yet) and they put away all the laundry I'd been folding all week. Once that was done, I put Ella down for a nap, left her with Samuel, and took the older girls to a park. We stayed at the park for THREE hours! It was the most perfect, beautiful day ever. I've decided that February in Arizona is about as good as it gets. It was warm and sunny and 73 degrees with a breeze. After awhile, Samuel stopped by and dropped off Ella, where she happily played with her sisters and their "new friends" for almost two more hours. So we were at the park all afternoon (although we did have to run home once to get Ella a clean diaper and let Annie use the bathroom.) But I just felt so calm and happy and serene, really. It warmed my heart to see my girls getting along so well with each other and with new friends. They were so happy. I felt joy.
I had nothing planned for dinner (as usual...a weak area of mine) and the nice lady who lives upstairs offered to cook spaghetti for everyone. What a tender mercy. The girls got to play outside in the backyard, climbing the tree and jumping on the trampoline for another hour until it was ready, and then we all scarfed it down. Samuel had left to help his parents with something, so it was up to me to get them all to bed. I bathed them and washed their hair, full of sand, and read them a few stories. Then, because we have a king bed in their bedroom, and because I was feeling pretty pooped, I laid down by them to get them to fall asleep. It usually goes like this: Ella likes to snuggle up super close to me, her head facing in to my chest. I LOVE that she does this, because I can smell her hair- I paid a few extra bucks for this Johnson's baby shampoo because the scent is my absolute favorite. Then Annie likes to snuggle as close up to my back as she can get, and Kalia, who has to be the oldest and bravest and sometimes cries that she doesn't get to be next to mommy, scooted so close to Annie that I could easily reach over and hold her hand while we all fell asleep.
That is true happiness for me. Loving them so much, and having them love me back so much that they literally cannot get close enough to me when we are falling asleep at night.
A few nights earlier during a similar bedtime routine, I was laying on my side, and baby girl was kicking like crazy. So Kalia and Annie put their hands on my stomach and were laughing hysterically every time they felt movement. It was a magical moment.
And then there are also those moments when I leave them to fall asleep on their own, which works out pretty good, except when Ella is hyper and wants to giggle with Kalia. But I went to check on them one night before I went to bed, and I found them like this:
Life is good.
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