8 Week Postpartum VENT SESSION!

Ella @ 7 weeks old: Plump and juicy and 13 lbs. I love her to pieces.
That's right. Don't stop cleaning until all that cold cereal is GONE!

Well, I am 8 weeks postpartum today. And sadly, I am still not working out. The one time that I have an easy enough delivery to start working out like, one week later, and I can't do it.

See, I knew I didn't want to turn 30. You just start falling apart.

No. Not really, but I do feel old all of a sudden. Even though I gained less weight with this pregnancy, at 38 weeks I started having an ache in my lower left hip (like where the leg goes in the join. It wasn't very bad, and I thought maybe it was because I was sitting on a wheat bucket at my computer. Then, if you remember from my long labor/delivery story, while I was pushing Ella out, both my hips hurt so bad, like they were popping out of socket or something. But then I had no hip pain at all for the first two weeks after she was born. I felt great!

Then at 3 and 4 weeks the pain got AWFUL- in the same spot on my left hip and also radiating down my inner left thigh (this pain seemed to be unrelated to any bone or joint, so I couldn't make sense of it.) It was excruciating to roll over in bed at night or get up first thing in the morning. Inactivity and rest made it way worse. I did some googling and found something called Pelvic Girdle Pain. It explained my symptoms exactly, however, it's much more common during pregnancy, and is kind of rare afterwards. I called my OB-GYN. First I saw a midwife at the practice, who had no idea what it was, and then I talked on the phone to my doc. He told me that "pelvic girdle pain" is kind of a new diagnosis, not much is known about it, and often physical therapy is the only thing that helps. He then referred me to a bone and joint specialist; that doctor treated me for Trocanteric Bursitis, which is basically tendonitis in the outer hip. It didn't explain that inner thigh pain though. He told me to come back for an MRI if I didn't feel better (he gave me a cortizone shot in my hip, which helped about 50% of the outer hip pain.) But the rest of my "pelvic girdle" just feels off and still aches, and I don't really want to go get an MRI done. And I was told I could do light exercise like walking, but nothing good like lunges, which is exactly what I want to be doing to get toned up.

Also, my right should blade has randomly started doing this pins and needles type of tingling. It's quite annoying. My body is just not right. I found an LDS chiropractor down the street who was kind enough to give Ella adjustments for free (well, we have an insurance benefit, he's just not charging me a copay for her.) She has been crying less, and I take her once or twice a week. Then I decided to start seeing him for myself to see if he could help my symptoms of everything else.

A crying baby can make you even MORE stressed than normal, and my neck and back are just in knots. The best part of my adjustment was the 45 minute massage I got on the table by their in-house masseuse. Yesssssssss. I'm going to go back every week. I'm hoping for good results from the chiropractor. The adjustment felt GREAT. I can't wait to feel better.

Samuel, on the other hand, thinks chiropractic care is "quackery." Haha. We'll see. I got some good feedback from some of you on facebook, so I'm hopeful.

It has been an extremely hard month. Kalia and Annie are just not getting the emotional attention that they need. I am SO glad they have each other. But they need more time with me, and I just can't give it to them unless I am letting my baby scream in the background somewhere. Ella just cries when I put her down. She can make it about 3 minutes in a bouncy chair, or about 5-10 minutes in her swing before she starts crying to be picked up. I have been trying really hard to help her get to sleep more, so she's not overtired or overstimulated, but this is not an easy process (getting her comfortable and relaxed enough to fall asleep). It takes quite a while, which leads to more time away from Kalia and Annie, as I usually have to lock them out of my bedroom while I cautiously try to lay Ella down. Often K or A comes running to my door, banging on it, fighting, crying or shrieking, waking Ella up, and frustrated, I start all over.

Annie is super sassy, Kalia is super emotional. Both are EXTRA whiny, and Kalia also likes to talk like a baby and I can't stand it! I am super-fried/burnt out/lacking in patience. I snap at them all the time, they seem to irritate me so easily, and I hate it. It's hard to see the problem, know what's causing it, and even KNOW the solution, yet not be able to implement it. If anything, I try to just find 2-3 minutes in a day to give 100% to Kalia or Annie. It's sad that that's all I can do now. But again. Things will be better soon. I really do enjoy being a mother, I promise! But sheesh, these can be trying times. It's hard not to think about how much easier the transition to three kids would be, if I had an "easier" baby.

I am totally just surviving each day and waiting for Ella to be on a schedule, and have a better, more mature digestive system. I keep telling myself that "This is Temporary." It's my motto right now! Things ARE getting better a little each week. Twice this week Ella has slept for a 3 hour nap on my bed during the day. She is not screaming for hours at night. Just fussing uncomfortable all evening, having the hardest time falling asleep or staying asleep. Last night I cursed that damn gas that is upsetting my baby so much. CURSE YOU! ENOUGH ALREADY. (For those of you wondering if she has allergies like Annie, from what I can tell, she doesn't have the respiratory or skin symptoms that Annie got, so I don't think it's food allergies with Ella.)

I was so hoping for an easy third baby. I have decided to OFFICIALLY STOP HOPING FOR EASY BABIES. Maybe it's just not in my DNA to have one of those babies who doesn't cry and fuss. I know they exist. I know some of you have them. You better read my blog and count yourself lucky. But my babies are a lot of work from months 1-3. So don't expect me to have it all together or to be a very nice person during that time, okay? In fact, don't be surprised (Samuel, this is for you, though you'll never read it) that sometimes at the end of a very hard day or in the middle of the night, I MIGHT seem to be a little on the edge of my sanity, ("I'M NOT CRAZY, I'M JUST A LITTLE UNWELL!! BUT STAY AWHILE AND BABY THEN YOU'LL SEE...A DIFFERENT SIDE OF ME!"

I love to vent. I love to blow off steam. I am really trying to get Samuel to understand how HELPFUL it is for me to vent. He tends to think I am criticizing or blaming him, or complaining about how much I hate my life. That's not the case at all. I just need to really FEEL things, EXPRESS them, and then blow it away, and ahhhhhhh....that feels better! No need for anyone to take anything personally. And just so I don't forget, there ARE very sweet and happy and tender moments in my life. Truly. I love to hear the cute things that Annie and Kalia say to me and each other (good thing they can forgive me so easily, and love so generously.) I love it when Ella smiles and coos at me, which she does several times a day. I LOVE that! I love that when Samuel had to leave town for the weekend, I was able to get all 3 girls ready for Sacrament meeting and take them ALL by myself. And we WEREN'T LATE! (miracle of miracles) and we sat through a full 55 minutes of the meeting before I had to get up and take all 3 out. I love seeing the reunion of Kalia and Annie and Samuel after he gets home from work. It's like a huge celebration when he makes it home right before they go to bed. I love to see Samuel talking so sweetly to his baby daughter. And I love when he gets up in the middle of the night and takes her so I can go back to bed. Really and truly, I don't mean to be too pessimistic. I know I am so so so lucky to even have these sweet little girls to raise. But WHEW. Just needed to get all of that off my chest.

p.s. sorry for swearing. I'll go repent now.

Our Morning at the Park

The weather is beautiful this week in Arizona. A beautiful 70 degrees at 10 a.m. I decided on a *whim (*note to self: No more decisions on a whim) to take the girls to the park. They ran and got themselves dressed, and Ella was already asleep in the Moby Wrap on my chest, so we were good to go, right? I didn't want to pack a big bag to take to the park, so I opted to take a bottle of water and a conference Ensign to read while the girls played.

Kalia hopped on her scooter, Annie on her bike (that she recently learned to pedal, yay!) and off we went. It was nice and breezy so I covered Ella all the way up with the Moby and 5 minutes later we were at the park. The girls started collecting pine cones and playing in the sand, and I sat down on a bench and read the opening talk by Pres. Monson. You know, the really short one? It took about 2 minutes. That's when Ella started stirring. Dang it, I thought! She's probably going to be hungry. Luckily I am nursing her, so the food wasn't the problem, the problem was that I was going to have to take her out of the Moby Wrap and feed her with all these neighbors (and their giant windows) looking at me. I wasn't too worried about other women or small children, but any sicko men that wanted a free look at a boob. I went and sat by a tree and tried to shield myself from any onlookers. That's when I discovered two small things that I'd forgotten when I rushed out the door:
1. Ella wasn't dressed, she was in nothing but a diaper
2. I wasn't wearing a bra.

Oops.

I silently curse myself for forgetting these details, because now I have to be extra sneaky about feeding her in case anyone else came to the park or even just drove by and saw me nursing a naked baby. (Plus I didn't want her to get sunburned.) I decided to use the Moby Wrap as a cover (as best I could) but I really didn't want to untie the wrap and take it off, because that would require me having to put Ella down on the ground (IN HER DIAPER NO LESS!) in order to put it back on.

I managed to feed her on one side. There may have been a little boob sighting for some people, but it wouldn't have been for long. I stayed covered up.

Then Ella pooped- I heard it. I was praying it didn't leak out anywhere, since I had nothing to change her with. I kept feeding her, wishing I had her gas drops (I've been giving them to her with every feeding-- seems to be helping-- less crying...) That's when Kalia ran over and said she had to go potty. We had been at the park for all of 15 minutes. I was debating just leaving. There is no bathroom at this park. I had asked her to go before we left, but of course, she didn't. So I told her that I couldn't help her, but she could go squat by a bush somewhere. (We've done this before, but usually I hold her up so she doesn't have to pee on herself.) That's when she said it was actually #2 that she had to go.

Great.

So I did what any great mother would do. I told her to hold it. She liked this idea, since she didn't want to go home yet.

The girls went on playing and I kept on feeding and burping. Ella fell asleep while nursing and so I just let her sit there on my boob for about 20 minutes, and the girls got to play happily (whew!). But when she woke up, she was fussy and I was out of ideas. We had to go home.

I told the girls to get their shoes, helmet, pinecones, etc and we were leaving. Then I realized I could use Kalia to hold Ella while I re-tied my Moby wrap. She was able to do an adequate job, but in my hurry to get that half-naked baby hidden against me, I did a terrible job tying the wrap. In fact, after making it only 25 yards, I had to stop, take her out, ask Kalia to sit down and hold her again, and re-tie. The second time was better. Now Kalia wanted to ride Annie's bike, but I said NO WAY, because Annie + Kalia's scooter = SLOOOOOOOWWW. So I convince them to leave on the vehicles that they came on, and we started on our way. Annie and I got ahead of Kalia, she had to stop for some reason, and she wailed, "WAIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!" As if she could never catch up. 4 seconds later she had caught up and passed us. This is when Annie decides to get off her bike and PULL it. Kalia is about to cross the street on her own, but I yell until she stops. She waits (forever) for us to catch up. I am using my conference Ensign to shield the sun from Ella's face (at least it was good for something on this outing.)

We managed to cross the street together after two cars passed (one lady smiling, probably thinking, "She's really got her hands full, bless her heart") and then Kalia races ahead again, Annie still pulling her bike at a snails pace. Finally I give up in frustration and grab Annie's bike and start pulling it myself, telling Annie to just WALK. I march off, dragging the bike backwards by it's handle, shading Ella from the sun, when Annie decides she will RIDE while I pull it backwards. Kalia, who has stopped again and is getting left behind wails again, "WAAAIIIIIIIIIITTT" and I yell a little too loud "NOO!!! HURRY UP!" and marched on.

We passed our next door neighbor as we got home, who for some reason shouted, "The girls look so cute!" (???????? What on earth? They got themselves dressed, I hadn't done their hair, and I was pulling Annie backwards and shielding the baby with a magazine. How is any of this cute?)

Well, at least by the time I got to the door, I decided to take a picture and document this experience. I was really frustrated at this point, and tried to remind myself that "someday I'll miss this" but I was having a hard time remembering exactly WHAT I would miss about times like this.

We walked in the door and Kalia took off her helmet and totally chucked it outside and it smacked into the ground. I said, "Uh-oh, I hope you didn't break it." She said, "I didn't. It's made of wood."

Okay. I will miss hearing things like that when she's all grown up. So...we survived. Ella's diaper didn't leak. Kalia was able to hold it. Annie kept her panties dry. I didn't run into anyone I knew (besides a quick passing of the neighbor) who would see me with messy hair and a visor on. And no bra. So ya know what? It could have been worse. But I guess I learned my lesson. Boy Scouts 101. Be prepared.

(Don't you love Annie's headband?)




Thank you Ella, for sleeping long enough for me to write this now.

Update

(you may already know about this, thanks to facebook.)

I found out on Friday that Ella has a broken clavicle. It is already healing- we assume it's from birth. I'm actually pretty positive that it happened at birth. A few clues (looking back):

1. Right after she was born I tried to nurse her on my left side- she wouldn't take it, she just kept whimpering. (The broken clavicle is her right, which would have been the side she was laying on to nurse on my left.

2. Ella cried for hours one night in the hospital. I remember calling in the nurse at 3 a.m. to bring me a pacifier and a turkey sandwich cause I was starving. She tried to re-swaddle and bounce the babe to sleep, with no luck. Finally an hour later I got her to fall asleep (exhausted- and with a pacifier.)

3. A few days after we brought her home from the hospital, I lifted her up under her arms and she seriously SHRIEKED. My mom was right there, and I wondered outloud if she could have a hurt shoulder. Broken clavicle never crossed my mind.

Last week, after one long and miserable night when Ella screamed before bed and the again in the middle of the night, I decided I'd had enough. I took Ella in to the doctor to have her checked for silent reflux- her doctor had me take her to get a 3D x-ray thing. It showed the break/fracture, and it also showed lots of bowel gas, like more than normal. So the doc told me to focus my efforts on helping her be less gassy (and not swallow so much air when she eats, etc.

In other news (you may have seen this on facebook too)- I had a particularly DIFFICULT Saturday over the weekend. Two birthday parties to go to (family) and Samuel was working again. Ella was fussy, the girls had totally dirtied up their brand new matching outfits (what was I thinking sending them to outdoor birthday parties in new clothes? duh.) and to make things worse, I have been in a ton on pain in my left leg and hip. I put the girls in their bedroom with the door shut because my OB-GYN had called me to find out more about my pain. He is going to send me to an orthopedic doctor, but ANYWAY, I was probably only on the phone for 5 minutes when I came out and found these girls like this:
That is a $30.00 tub of Triple Paste, the best rash cream I know of. (The girls are REALLY lucky I found it on clearance for $10, but still-- it was brand new.)

Ella was crying of course, so I couldn't even put her down to clean it up. I think I cried a little, I might have said a swear word, and at least I had enough sense to know this will be funny one day, and I took some pics. (It's not funny to me yet- Annie's hair still looks grease-soaked after TWELVE washings with dish soap, and the carpet might be ruined.)

I made the girls sit in chairs in the living room for half and hour until Samuel got home. Then I let him deal with it. We were not happy parents that night.

Having 3 kids can be pretty tricky.