A long boring post on my sleep problems.

I have sleep problems. Or maybe I should call them sleep "issues." Or maybe I'm normal, and it's my husband who is not...who knows.

Samuel was blessed to take after his dad (and apparently his siblings are the same way) and they are blessed to be able to fall asleep quickly, almost anywhere, at anytime. ESPECIALLY at night. Samuel can stay awake for about two minutes once he is under the covers, and that's IF I'm talking to him, and he's trying to stay awake. He can also lay down and nap at any time, and then still fall asleep easily that night.

Not so for me. In fact, the habits I inherited seem to be very similar to my mother's, who is quite a night owl, and is often up later than my dad.

My mom says I was her "best baby" and that I slept all the time. She also said that as I got a little older, I still loved to sleep, and sometimes at bedtime if she couldn't find me, she'd go look in my bed and find me, fast asleep. Like, a kid who puts themself to bed? Awesome! I have a sleepy child like that. Her name is Annie. She takes after me in many, many ways. We are very emotional creatures. I think it makes you more tired.
;) Sidenote: I remember when she was a newborn (until she was about 6 weeks old, and those allergies started driving her insane), she would sleep for 23 out of 24 hours every day, and if I was lucky I would rouse her just long enough to eat for 10-15 minutes, 4 times a day. I thought something was wrong with her. As she got older (like 12-18 months) she was sleeping and napping for 18 out of 24 hours of every day. Like clockwork. And now that she's four and I don't let her nap anymore (keeps her up too late at night!) she is totally worn out and ready for bed at 6:30 p.m.

Once I was old enough to have "memories", I don't think I was sleeping so much anymore. I have lots of memories of Sunday afternoon, where EVERY member of my household would be napping, and I'd be wide awake. To keep myself entertained, I would go into the kitchen and mix together concoctions, sometimes on the stove, using the stinkiest spices I could find, and then I'd dump them on weeds in the backyard to see if I'd invented a good weed killer. I seriously don't remember napping much.

The teenage years...hmm...those are a blur. I remember hating getting up at 5:30 a.m. to take Drivers Ed (a "zero hour" class before school started). I also remember having a little trouble falling asleep at night- I used to come up with "tricks" to get myself to fall asleep. One of my best tricks to help myself fall asleep was in the winter, I would go outside with a light blanket and lay on the trampoline until I was shivering. Then I would go inside and snuggle under my covers and as my body warmed itself back up, I would get drowsy and fall asleep. That only backfired once when this "trick" came back to haunt me, because my parents were a little too noisy in the bedroom...thinking everyone was asleep...and I overheard things that scarred me for life.
:D

My freshman year of college taught me that taking an 8 a.m. class was a VERY bad idea. I vowed never to do it again. But I lived in a house with ten other girls, and we were always staying up late and having a blast, so I just figured that this is how college was.

Then I was called to serve a mission. As you might know, the mission rules dictate that missionaries should get up at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and go to bed at 10:30 p.m.  This was obviously quite different than my college habits, but I figured I would get used to those hours soon enough.

Boy was I wrong.

Not only did I want to die every morning at 6:30 a.m. when the alarm went off, but then I spent the ENTIRE day trying to stay awake. It's true, missions are exhausting anyway on so many levels. But I have never known that level of fatigue. And it never got easier, the entire 18 months. The hardest part was that once I got home at 9:30 p.m., I was FINALLY WIDE AWAKE. Having to shut off the light at 10:30 and then toss and turn for another 30-90 minutes was really hard. It is so frustrating to feel like you can't fall asleep, even though you know your body has been tired all day, and you KNOW that 6:30 a.m. is going to come so soon and you'll be miserable...and you can't fall asleep.

We didn't have to "go out and work" on Christmas Day in the mission field. I remember writing to my mission president (we wrote him every week) but I wrote with a specific Christmas wish- Could I please just sleep in on Christmas day? He said yes. :)  Happiness.

Now I am married to someone who (admittedly) has no comprehension of what it's like to be a "night owl." He says he is tired all the time too, he's not exactly the energizer bunny, but he often suggest a solution of me "just going to bed early" (like at 8:00 at night), and he assumes that I would be able to fall asleep, like he could. I have tried to tell him how disastrous that idea is. In the first place, I will usually just toss and turn for hours and hours, which really stinks. On the rare occasion that I am actually super sleepy at that hour of the night, I will fall asleep and only stay asleep for 2-4 hours. In other words, my body decides to have a nap. But once I wake up, it decides that actually that was my sleep for the whole night, and refuses to go back to sleep for another 4 hours. And then I am exhausted the next day, totally tempted to nap at some point, (and usually give in), and then I can't fall asleep by midnight...and the awful cycle continues.

Other times, I can fall back asleep at 9 or 10 in the morning (truth be told, I drag ALL morning, until about noon. Mornings are the worst for me. I'm grumpy, irritable, and really unproductive.) I wake up for a bit from about 12-2 or 3 p.m., and then I get really drowsy again between 3-6. I am drained once I get the kids to bed at 7, but by 9 p.m. I finally feel good. Not good enough to get up and scrub my bathrooms (unfortunately) but I have been more prone to exercise at that time of night, when I'm in exercising mode.

My body clock winds down (rapidly) almost right at midnight. If I push past this hour, there is no guarantee when I will fall asleep. And even when I am exhausted, if conditions aren't just right, I can't fall asleep.
The #1 thing that makes it hard for me to fall asleep is when it's too warm in the room. I have to be really cold, with a blanket on top of me, and a fan blowing. Just a few degrees can keep me awake for hours. Another thing that I cannot fall asleep to is a hungry, growling stomach. Unfortunately, this leads to bad habits of feeding my kids dinner at about 5 (and myself), and then being starving by 9 or 10 p.m., and then I eat again, usually something not very healthy. But I simply cannot go to bed hungry.

Another thing that throws me off is icy cold feet. I have learned to soak them in a sink of hot water for a few minutes, and then throw on some snuggly socks, and jump into bed. However, I can't sleep when my feet are too warm either, so the socks usually come off about 20 minutes later, as I'm drifting off to sleep.  One other problem is that I can't fall BACK to sleep very easily once I am woken up at night. Thank goodness for co-sleeping. When I have newborns that want to eat every 2-3 hours, I have found that it works really well for me to just feed them while I'm lying right there next to them. If I have to get up, turn on lights, walk and pace (etc etc) then there's a good chance I won't go back to sleep for an hour or two afterwards. But nursing a baby in bed has been such a blessing to me

Emotional or stressful things keep me awake all the time. My mind just cannot shut down sometimes. It's so frustrating. I know a lot of people who can relate to this.

So, as you may have deducted, this is not the best trait to have when you have babies or small children who wake you up at night. Like I said, the co-sleeping thing helps a ton in those first 4 months that the baby is eating all night. I like to sleep train them after that to sleep through the night. But since my kids still wake up every night to go the bathroom, or Ella wakes up if her diaper soaks through, or if she loses her blanket, or if she just wants to get into bed with us...well, Samuel is pretty good at helping out a lot of the time, because he knows he can fall right back to sleep. And like I said, if I am only awake for a few minutes, I can fall back asleep. If it's more than that, I cannot.

One good thing is that I sleep pretty heavily once I am actually asleep. If Samuel is snoring, it doesn't wake me up. (The only reason I know he snores at all is because of how fast he falls asleep, and how long I lay there awake trying to make myself fall asleep despite the noise.) I wake up pretty quickly to a kid crying, but I can sleep through just about everything else, including Samuel's alarm every morning.

I've really just tried to learn to work with my body and not against it. I don't think I can change it. If 18 months on a mission can't turn me into a "morning person", then I don't have much hope that anything can. I don't want to drink caffeine for energy (although I am trying to alter my diet a little to help me feel more energized throughout the day) and I don't want to use sleeping pills at night. I know this sounds silly, but I feel like that's cheating. I will say that I've been drinking more smoothies, and adding Chia seeds into them, and this totally seems to boost my energy.But now that I'm in the 3rd trimester, all bets are off. I am really tired...basically all of the time. I have to wake up 2-6 times a night to go the bathroom, and it's hard to get comfortable, although I am very grateful to be a side-sleeper anyway, so I don't have to fight against that to get to sleep (while pregnant).

I guess I just finally decided to write about this because of how much it is starting to affect my life, and how frustrating it is to not really know how to solve it. My productivity as a wife and mother really hinges on how good I feel, or how energized I feel. I have had some really great (rare) productive days, which feels amazing and so rewarding, but then it just makes it worse to have these days when I feel tired and drained; I don't get much done, and I think of how much I "could" have accomplished (or how it seems like other women can accomplish, based on their daily reports on facebook, etc, which I KNOW is not a good thing to compare against) and this all adds up to make me feel I am failing in most areas of my life, thanks to my sleep issues.

Finally, let me just say that I think women are too hard on themselves. I really think it's a BAD idea to try comparing our lives to others, since we never know what challenges they face, and you KNOW they have their own fair share of them. I try really hard to be happy for other people who are strong where I am weak, or who have things that I do not, because life brings trials to everyone, period. Everyone has heartache, and often it is kept quiet. I believe in trusting in God that everything happens to us as part of an individual plan for us, and I know I should trust Him for giving me certain trials, strengths, weaknesses, and blessings, because they are what I NEED, for whatever reason He sees fit. I am going to hope and pray and figure out how to overcome this, and if I can't actually change it, I am going to figure out how to adapt to it. Or just endure it.

That's all for now.
P.S. I'm open to any advice or suggestions on this.

Well, how do I say this. I don't want to do that "other blog" I mentioned in my last post. THIS blog is close to my heart. THIS blog is the one that will be published into my Blurb book. THIS one needs to continue on. The other one, well, it might get a few posts now and then, and that's important because I did already take a few people off of this blog and add them to that one. But after reading all your comments and #1, realizing that there ARE still people in the world who read blogs, and #2, there ARE people who LIKE the openness, honesty, and candor of a blogger like me...well, it just made me feel sad to think about changing it all up. I don't like to pretend my life is perfect. In fact, I'd rather talk about how I learn to be happy, despite the struggles of life and despite the LACK of perfection in my life.

Thank you so much for the comments, especially the ones who told me they have appreciated some of the personal or spiritual things I've shared in the past. Basically it made it an easy choice to keep things how they are. I have learned from my past mistakes, that's for sure, but I just can't bring myself to end it all as a result.

So I do apologize for saying I was going to do something and then not doing it- I promise it wasn't my intention, but it is nice to know what readers are left, and I am going to do a good thorough housecleaning of people who just added on years ago when Kalia went through that major hospitalization and all those surgeries- they wanted updates, now they have forgotten all about the blog.

I guess I'm rambling. Thanks for sticking with me. I'll try to make it worth your while.
:)

Just a good Saturday...

A few months after Ella was born, I wrote down as many details as I could remember about "A 24-hour day in my life" at the time. It was crazy and I'm glad I recorded it- that "Survival Mode" that you have to go into when you add a new child to the family.

Things have calmed down a lot since then. Ella will be two in SIX weeks! My newborn should be here in TEN weeks! YOWSER. I am flipping in and out of being excited and terrified- terrified not of the birth (a littler nervous about that, as the plan is to not have an epidural again) but really scared about how well I will be able to handle four children. Ages 5 and under.

The thing about me is that I am okay with "Survival Mode"- in fact, sometimes I fall into it and don't know how to get out of it. I know that my family will survive if the house isn't very clean, and surviving on chicken nuggets and Mac and Cheese and cereal. I know it's not the end of the world if I have to go to the store with no makeup on, and probably with a hat on because I haven't washed my hair for a week. I have to be careful to not stay in survival mode too long-- but emotional balance is important- so don't "run faster than you have strength."

I do get frustrated when the house is messy, nd my mood is much, much better when everything is clean, but I've also chosen to accept that I can't keep it spotless right now, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  I'll have to be happy with "occasionally pretty clean."  I guess I walk a thin line of "doing the best I can" and "being okay" with not being perfect, awesome, exceptional, or wonderful at cleaning, organizing, meal preparation, etc. I feel like the things I am teaching my children and the time I spend with them is my absolute #1 priority, so if the other things have to give, so be it. (Although, sidenote, I am really focusing on ways to improve during these last 10 weeks of "normal life". Dinner menu planning...in the works...and other ideas.) But mostly, If I'm going to only be good at one thing, I want it to be that I am a really good mother to my daughters, and I can be proud of it when I see the investment paying off.

Last Saturday was just a good day. I didn't get much cleaning done. I DID manage to supervise Kalia and Annie as they cleaned their bedroom (they won't/can't do it on their own...yet) and they put away all the laundry I'd been folding all week. Once that was done, I put Ella down for a nap, left her with Samuel, and took the older girls to a park. We stayed at the park for THREE hours! It was the most perfect, beautiful day ever. I've decided that February in Arizona is about as good as it gets. It was warm and sunny and 73 degrees with a breeze. After awhile, Samuel stopped by and dropped off Ella, where she happily played with her sisters and their "new friends" for almost two more hours. So we were at the park all afternoon (although we did have to run home once to get Ella a clean diaper and let Annie use the bathroom.) But I just felt so calm and happy and serene, really. It warmed my heart to see my girls getting along so well with each other and with new friends. They were so happy. I felt joy.

I had nothing planned for dinner (as usual...a weak area of mine) and the nice lady who lives upstairs offered to cook spaghetti for everyone. What a tender mercy. The girls got to play outside in the backyard, climbing the tree and jumping on the trampoline for another hour until it was ready, and then we all scarfed it down. Samuel had left to help his parents with something, so it was up to me to get them all to bed. I bathed them and washed their hair, full of sand, and read them a few stories. Then, because we have a king bed in their bedroom, and because I was feeling pretty pooped, I laid down by them to get them to fall asleep. It usually goes like this: Ella likes to snuggle up super close to me, her head facing in to my chest. I LOVE that she does this, because I can smell her hair- I paid a few extra bucks for this Johnson's baby shampoo because the scent is my absolute favorite. Then Annie likes to snuggle as close up to my back as she can get, and Kalia, who has to be the oldest and bravest and sometimes cries that she doesn't get to be next to mommy, scooted so close to Annie that I could easily reach over and hold her hand while we all fell asleep.

That is true happiness for me. Loving them so much, and having them love me back so much that they literally cannot get close enough to me when we are falling asleep at night.

A few nights earlier during a similar bedtime routine, I was laying on my side, and baby girl was kicking like crazy. So Kalia and Annie put their hands on my stomach and were laughing hysterically every time they felt movement. It was a magical moment.

And then there are also those moments when I leave them to fall asleep on their own, which works out pretty good, except when Ella is hyper and wants to giggle with Kalia. But I went to check on them one night before I went to bed, and I found them like this:

Life is good.

Starting a new blog- want an invite?

Hello family and friends. I have learned a hard lesson about privacy- my own privacy, and that of others. I was trying to share a personal experience about forgiveness, and I hoped it might help others. I know that not many of you saw it, I buried it under pages of Christmas updates and family pictures, and now I have taken that post down altogether. It created quite a few problems. I made the mistake of thinking my blog was private so the person that had hurt me would never know I shared it, and I purposely left out the names involved, but one family member (on my in-law side I might add) read it and of course knew exactly what I was talking about, and she mentioned it to someone who has not been given access to the blog (intentionally of course, this person is a good kind soul but who never keeps anything confidential.) And she was able to find someone else who had access who agreed to READ her bits and pieces of what I wrote, and then she told that person directly, and it was very misinterpreted after going through all that, and it created a drama like you couldn't even imagine.

I have learned that I CAN still share my personal (and spiritual) experiences on a private blog, but you have to be able to do it without sharing the specific details of the story. (THAT IS HARD! But I have to learn to do it). But I want to be the kind of person who guards and protects people's thoughts and feelings. I don't ever want to be known as a gossip or even as someone who just overshares. I am really taking great lengths to make sure I am a trustworthy person, and I can see I overshared details-- and I don't want to be that person.

At the same time, a girl does sometimes need a place to vent! And sometimes venting to HERSELF is the best, because then the information just stays put and never goes anywhere else.

So with that information given, I am starting a new (and still private) blog, purely with the intent of keeping people updated on our family and our lives, but without the overly personal touch that my blog has had in the past (occasionally.) I hate to ask you to do this, but if you still read this, please let me know so you can be the first to have an invite. If I have invited you before, and you are reading this, I will happily invite you again. But I am going to take away most people's access to this blog, especially if I am pretty sure they are no longer reading it anyway. I am saving my list of old readers and will invite as many of them as I can (cause I know not everyone will read this in time) but I know I was over the limit last time (Blogger's 100 people limit) so not everyone will be invited back.

So please leave a comment if you want to keep reading. I would really appreciate it.And I did get a bunch of you to comment on the post where I announced my pregnancy (thanks!) so you don't need to leave another comment, also, immediate family, of course you'll already be invited.

Bigler Family Pics

Note: One family was missing. That story is included in the very long "Holidays were rough" post.

Also: I tried a new color for the first time ever. I think I liked it.

Finally: Ella was a HORRIBLE stinker for these pictures and screamed her head off unless I or Samuel was holding her. I don't know what anxiety she has about group photos but it sure ticked me off. It was a miracle that we got anything decent of her.

Christmas Eve/Christmas Day